"you are slave 100%"
my initial thought is to say that is not so because a slave doesn't need a constant reminder that she is slave. she doesn't need to be beaten down over and over again, emotionally and physically, to know that she is slave. i guess it depends how slave is being defined. i also don't know whether my statement is consistent with the Norman books. i can't wait until they arrive because i think reading them firsthand and in full may help my understanding a lot. It's sort of absurd how unfamiliar i actually am.
"as such it is discipline and control you desire, you crave"
That is both true and untrue. my fantasy world has ALWAYS, since i was small, involved discipline and control. Not just involved it but been based entirely upon it, those being the consistent and integral factors of it all through my life... On the other hand, in my reality, i have always sought to be the one meting out the discipline and control. i have never been able to find any sort of balance. i can be entirely controlling or entirely controlled but any attempts at a more equitable distribution of power always leads to disaster. Still, in rl, i tend to hate being disciplined and controlled. i resent it. i fight it. my mind compensates by balancing my rl control with fantasies of being controlled. sl now largely fills the role that used to be largely left to my imaginings and writings and creative explorations.
But just as truly as my mind seeks the discipline and control, it also fights it. So do i crave it or do i shun it? i guess i know the truth of it to be that i do crave it but i fear this fact SO much that i fight it with everything in me, with the entirety of my consciousness and intellect. In doing so, i fight myself. The chance for contentment dangles in front of me and, rather than running to it, i run from it. How can i fear myself that greatly? Why do i? More importantly, how do i stop?
"you are a type A personality"
No question about that! i think my photo may be included in that chapter in psych textbooks. If it's not, it should be.
"always having to be in control in rl and anywhere you see a lack of discipline and control because as a slave you need these things above all else"
i guess maybe that means that i am so in need of them EXISTING in my world that i will make them exist even if i have to be the one who creates them. i hadn't looked at it that way before. It's sort of another extension of the two-sides-of-the-same-coin idea. It is not a question of who is wielding the control as much as of the fact that i have to a need to make sure is exists, however i can muster it. But when i'm the one who creates it, i am inevitably scared and unhappy. i need control enough to bring it about even when doing so destroys me but, when i am subject to it at the hand of Master, it is my greatest security and joy.
"you would prefer they be imposed on you by a Master but if they are not you HAVE to have them so you step into the breach and try to impose them yourself... which of course is impossible... this is a major reason you border on an emotional and nervous breakdown most of the time"
A long time ago Master suggested that in slavery i might also find sanity. There is no small amount of irony in the fact that every person i know rl, would see the slavery as the insanity. And a part of me does too. A part of me wonders how i could consider "giving up" all i have for enslavement. i've never been materialist. Money has always been fun but meaningless to me. But the autonomy! i guess it seems as if it SHOULD make me happy. What i'd actually be giving up, though, is insecurity and maybe depression... maybe self-loathing... maybe all the things which make me cut and punish myself when i feel out of control.
"The only way you will be truly happy is to have control taken completely out of your hands and become 100% slave... whether this is possible or not, it is the only way you will find true happiness"
i don't know whether i would be truly happy as 100% slave. It is too much of a hypothetical to accurately predict. But i do know that i will NEVER be truly happy without becoming 100% slave. If true happiness exists for me... IF... it is as slave.
Wow. It really is pretty simple. And obvious. And impossible. But maybe not if i look at it for today rather than trying to bite off a bigger chunk of my life than i can right now. i am slave. i cannot live as slave today but i can aspire to it. i can take steps to move my life in that direction. i can accept it and work toward it rather than stagnating and being miserable. There will be a time when i can live as slave and hopefully i will know that time when it comes. Until that time, i can learn more and form no unseverable ties and start setting the foundation for what my future needs to be.
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