At about 11:00 am, i asked j if he wanted to go out to lunch, just the two of us. i hadn't eaten anything yet, was getting hungry, and was already majorly stressed over Master's order to report back to Him everything i ate and at what time. j, after making it into a whole big production whether to go and where to go, said yes. His inability to ever just make a decision gets on my nerves and yesterday was no exception.
Seeing j and i were going to be leaving, the boys decided they wanted us to drop them places on our way. Of course neither of them knew where they wanted to go and had to make phone calls and arrange things. j's patience with this is endless. Mine is not. So we spent about an hour with the boys making plans and all three of them doing things around the house that j suddenly decided needed to happen before we left. Having to wait with no definite time frame in mind and for things that are totally irrelevant to our departure infuriates me. Being hungry, unmedicated, and stressed didn't help any.
Finally we left and s was being obnoxious as usual. Any time the four of us are in a car together, it is all but guaranteed that there will be problems. Usually i refuse to go in the car with everyone or blast my ipod through earbuds to drown out all else. my ipod wasn't charged, though, so i wound up in the car dealing with our foursome. It drives me nuts. The boys are whiny and demanding and ornery. j is indecisive and overly lenient and i just can't handle how much he tolerates from the boys... from me either, for that matter.
After two stops and meeting my friend's son unexpectedly and a bunch of other nonsense, we finally dropped s off at the skate park and were going to drop e off at his friend's which is the total opposite direction from where j wanted to eat. i realized i had forgotten to bring my medication and it wasn't even set up in the daily containers so i would have to take still more time to sort through the bottles and prepare it.
i was frazzled at this point already and had a headache. The thought of riding all over the place, with j's crappy driving and me getting lightheaded, was beyond me. It was a recipe for getting carsick. Plus, i was already cranky and bitchy for all of the above reasons and having gotten almost no sleep. i just told j to drop me at home and refused to get lunch.
i went inside and started setting up the pill containers, a chore i HATE. i had planned on blogging about how much everybody was pissing me off but i realized no one had really done anything. my teenagers were being teenagers, nothing more. The chores j wanted done before leaving needed doing because i never do them. And the medication being unprepared and left at home was entirely my own fault. Not being justified in complaining about everyone else just pissed me off further.
Then i found Master's message about the kennel. My first thought was relief. Master had taken the struggle off of me and just made a decision. i was glad that He would and could do that and felt a bit of the security i always feel when i am reminded that He is in control. That soon was replaced with renewed anger though. Anger at myself for fucking up. Anger at Master for letting me and for punishing me. Just anger at things not going the way i wanted them to.
i finally finished setting up the pills and got into nadu. i was totally annoyed at having to nadu but, when j got home just seconds later, i was totally annoyed at not being able to. It was one of those no win moods i get into. Absolutely nothing is going to do anything but irritate me. i want what i can't have, hate what i do have, and feel that way no matter what changes.
So i finished the blog, having taken no medication and had nothing to eat, and went to sleep. i slept on and off waking intermittently to hallucinate in bed. It was pleasant and i wasn't really in a state of mind to feel concerned. In retrospect, it was probably due to medication withdrawal and low blood sugar. But at the time it felt nice and i just kept dozing off again each time i awoke.
Eventually, i was awakened by s on my bed screaming that the friend of a boy in his and e's circle of friends was going to press assault charges against him. It took me a moment to gain full alertness and realize that j was outside talking to the boy's father who was in a mini-van with a bunch if the kids involved in the day's incident. That left me needing to keep s as calm as i could and indoors.
j came back inside and, as best he can tell, some boys again whom s has been an aggressor in the past, have teamed up to get him in trouble now. They are brighter than he is and the fact that every local police officer knows s' violent psychiatric history makes him look guilty from the start. That leaves us wondering how to protect s from getting jumped if he goes out and from getting intentionally provoked into violence or accused of it anyhow. It's impossible to keep him locked up at home 24/7.
Totally stressed about what this group of kids was going to do to s, what they might do to my car or the house, dealing with e who always sides with the other kids and would fight s on it every second he could, and dealing with s being at home more often? i felt ready to explode! i wasn't even thinking about not eating or medicating at that point. And waking up to find myself in the middle of a conflict always leaves me
i'd been texting back and forth all day with a friend from work and her next text invited me to drive out to her sister's where she was going for dinner. i'm so reclusive but i was really feeling desperate and really wanted to talk to her. i actually agreed to go and she told me to hurry because the beginnings of dinner were already getting started. It was almost 7:00 pm by then.
i considered for a second that i should tell Master. But i fought it. i didn't want to tell Him in that moment, didn't want to be answerable to Him. And a part of me wanted to punish Him, to make Him worry about me, to test Him to see if THIS would be the incident that put Him over the edge and finally provoked Him to kick me to the curb. i used to have a habit of testing the people i let get close until i finally succeeded in pushing them away. i hadn't realize that tendency was rearing its ugly head again. But i knew i was doing wrong.
i drove out to my friend's sister's house and had some soup there at about 8:00 pm. i have no idea what kind of soup it was but it was homemade and very good. It was the first thing i ate all day. i had brought my medication but didn't want to take it because my friend and i had decided that we would leave her sister's house and get a bottle afterward. i didn't want to mix the pills with alcohol. i really needed to talk to her and didn't think i'd be able to sober.
we left her sisters's and went back to her apartment and then went out to but some Absolut. We also arranged for her son to get us some weed. The liquor stores were closed and she didn't want to go to a bar so we went to 7-11 to see what we could get there. When we were outside 7-11, her boyfriend who is enormous and totally abusive called her on the phone again. He calls constantly and never believes she is where she says she is or with whom. He stalks her.
He flew into the 7-11 parking lot and nearly knocked me on my ass, jumping back to avoid his mini-van as it swung into the handicapped parking spot i was standing in. He started screaming at my friend and i started screaming at him, urging him to go after me so i could press charges. i had him absolutely enraged but he wasn't dumb enough to voice a concrete enough threat or raise a hand to me despite my provocation. He wouldn't leave.
my friend wanted to go to a bar for drinks so we could stay out in public and calm him down so we went to a bar and began drinking there. i think i had a total of two shots of Absolut and maybe three strong Absolut and 7-Up drinks there. Having eaten almost nothing except the soup and some potato chips outside 7-11, and having not drank in years, i was strongly buzzed. i wasn't fall-down black-out drunk but i was in a pleasant state.
It turned out one of our coworkers was also at the bar so she joined up with us and we got some kind of fried appetizer sampler platter until the friend we met there was basically unable to stand. we took her back to her fiance's apartment, once we figured out where it was since she couldn't remember, and then went back to my friend's apartment with her idiot boyfriend still following us.
my friend got him to leave for a little while so she and i could talk. She rolled joint and we smoked and i actually managed to tell her about the major details of what is going on. i told her about my plans and Gor and Master and v and a few other details. i knew she'd be skeptical but i also knew she'd try not to judge. i know some serious things about her and she knows i'd never judge her either.
Eventually she made what i think is an excellent analogy. She said that my life, as i was describing it to her, sounded like a gay person who marries someone of the opposite gender in an attempt to live a mainstream life even though it is never going to make them happy, and eventually leaves to be with a partner of the same gender. i thought that was a really good comparison. she is still skeptical but i also know she "got it" and that i can talk to her about it in the future. That is a big relief, to at least have someone i can speak to about this in person.
Her idiot boyfriend came back but by then it was after 3:00 am and we were all tired and mellow. i took my medication and my friend gave me an Ambien so i would get a bit more buzzed and hopefully sleep for a change. It worked. i had an interesting chat with a lamp and eventually dozed off for a while. The three of us talked for a little while in the morning and then i headed home.
i had been thinking about Master all through the night, what He would think, if He was wondering about me, if i would be in trouble. When i signed on, i was surprised to see Him. The 3:30 am yahoo messages about Him being worried made me feel bad and amazingly immature. It would have taken a few seconds to let Him know of my plans and prevent His worry. Not doing so was selfish, not service. What i said about not being able to contact Him during the night was true but before i left i could have and should have.
Part of the reason i was annoyed with Him was about the kennel, just one more offshoot of not being first girl. i wanted it back, felt like i deserved it back, was mad He continued to deny it to me. i still have that attitude, despite all this effort, that it SHOULD be mine. The first thing that actually made me realize it shouldn't be, that it might be gone for good and rightly so, was Master's asking me to look after v before he signed off sl today. That is something He might have said to His first girl but, instead of being enthused by the thought He might be viewing me that way again at some level, it only made me feel horrible.
i knowingly took off without word leaving Him to worry. i knew that wasn't the act of a first girl when i did it and i did it anyway. v deserves the title and the kennel and everything else. If Master gives her the chance, i know she can step up to it as i haven't. i'm done focusing on what i thought should have been mine and feeling as if i can't settle down until i get it back. Despite all my screw-ups, i AM learning and moving forward in ways. If i'm in Master's collar in ANY capacity, that is enough. It is a gift i will not take for granted.
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