Confusion

It is one of those days when my mind is racing with a million half-formed thoughts and i'm constantly on the verge of tears.  Every thought i have gives way to more confusion.

-Why is Master THIS mad at me?

-Should i have a better idea of why but i'm just in denial?

-Will He still be mad tonight?

-How long will He stay mad?

-Can i handle it this time?

-How do i avoid it next time if i don't even fully understand it?

-What if He doesn't believe i don't understand?

-Will He punish me and how?

-Why didn't He believe i expected Him to punish me last night?

i checked my phone every ten seconds today hoping for a text that never came, except ones from my former friend-turned-judge.  It has been excruciating.  There was a faculty meeting at work so i had to stay an extra hour totally unable to focus on a typically useless meeting.  i cancelled plans after work to go straight home, in the futile expectation that there might be an online message from Master.  There was nothing.

It's not that Master hasn't been furious with me before.  He has.  But i've usually had a much clearer idea of why and He hasn't left things on SUCH a bad note and then had no communication for twenty-four hours.  As much as i fear and loathe the whip, i'd rather He had whipped me mercilessly a million times over and then told me He loved me.  i keep seeing the words from His yahoo message in front of my eyes.  i saw them all day, everywhere i looked.

kennel

I am going to bed

And that was it.  Nothing else.  No "goodnight".  No "mine".  No "sleep well".  No "I love you".  Not even "I love you but I'm disappointed in you."   All there was to taper the signs of His anger was the fact that all His screaming had finally reduced itself lowercase letters.   

So i spent today cranky and upset and teary and having only some idea why Master is mad and not knowing how mad He will be when i see Him next.  i don't even know if i have a word to give how i am feeling.  i guess empty describes it best.  And i feel lost.  i feel as if my foundation was kicked out from under me.  

i was starting to get angry which was probably more of a defense mechanism than anything else.  When i finally got home from work i reread the slave creed.  i knew i needed to.  What i came away with is that Master usually treats me so well that when He doesn't, whether intentionally or inadvertently, i feel a loss.  i'm not entitled to hear that i am loved but i do, nearly every day.  i hope today turns out to be one of those days.