i just asked v if i could blog rather than going to SL. i was about to blog about kalli. Before i got more than a title and opening sentence written, kalli asked me to read her blog. It was about me. i told kalli that i was going to write it anyway because i know i'll express myself more cogently if i'm not anticipating anyone's immediate reaction or limited to the space in a buffer. Writing also clarifies my own thoughts for me. i promised i'd be willing to discuss it with her afterwards.
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This morning Master told me to apologize to kalli. my very first thought was to say "yes, my Master" and i was pleased with that. i very seldom even stop to consider a serious order any longer. i am but to obey. i know that most of the time lately. It is reassuring. He commands. i obey. Period.
Despite the fact that i had every intention of obeying, it wasn't long before i started to feel annoyed and having to issue an apology i didn't feel i owed. i immediately started tossing around phrasing in my mind which would pass muster as an acceptable apology to Master but still convey the reality that it was forced and not genuine to kalli.
Yeah, i am but to obey... in my own damn way with my own bitchy twist when i feel like it. This needs work. Instead of arguing with Master, i try to manipulate conditions in more subtle ways to better fit my liking. Normally this is where it ends. i do this and either i get away with it or i don't.
Today was different. Today i said to myself that i would just go ahead and issue the apology because it would please Master. It was like a lightbulb went on. i don't have to like it or agree with it in order to do it without an attitude. All i have to do is remind myself why i am doing it. i want Master to be pleased and my obedience will please Him. This isn't new information but this morning it clicked in a new way. It wasn't enough before to get me to set aside my own irrelevant thoughts but, in this moment of clarity, it became enough.
Unfortunately, my serenity of surrender to pleasing Master turned out to be short-lived. It should be enough motivation. i know that. i want it to be. And when i reread old blog entries, i am always disgusted with how much they are about what i want and how little they are about serving Master. i keep telling myself "Do not ask what your Master can do for you but what you can do for your Master". i'm trying to make it my new mantra.
i don't want to be so self-centered when it comes to Him. i don't want to be needy. As upset as i was last night, as much as i cried, i was angry with myself for adding stress on Him and taking Him away from either other things that needed to be dealt with or from leisure time. i want to be an asset to Him not a liability. i want to give more than i take and i haven't been lately. i don't quite know how to do that with the club yet.
In any case, i started thinking about kalli during the day and getting mad at her. i was annoyed that she had gone to Master before talking to me directly. she had every right to though, i know, and i was a wreck last night and signed off SL early so she didn't even have a good opportunity. i wouldn't have answered her on Yahoo even if she had tried. i was too freaked out in my panic attack.
Then i was mad that she had seemingly lied to Him. Master was under the impression that i had told her to return from the mall which i never did. i never told her to do ANYTHING, or rau either for that matter. i never gave anyone any orders. While i was inclined to feel as if her giving Him that mis-impression was malicious, i had to admit that there was a lot of confusion during the time of that conversation and also that i was out of it enough to have possibly missed or misheard things that were said. Today kalli said that she hadn't been able to convey her message clearly to Master last night and has since clarified it with Him.
Beyond that, i was mad about kalli's seeming betrayal because i had defended her to someone in IM just yesterday. i had explained in ambiguous enough terms so as not to share any private information that she has been through a great deal both financially and personally of late and really is a good person who has been there for me in the past. i had explained to this someone that i felt bad because she and i had been fairly close before she lost internet access and that i felt like she came back expecting nothing to have changed but that things HAD changed. Things moved forward as they inevitably do and dynamics and relationships and people themselves evolved. Not only did i change, but she has too. Nevertheless, i had chided myself to this someone for not being more patient with her and not making more of an effort. And, though it had become my tendency to remain off SL if she was the only other one on the sims, i had purposely spent some time there with her yesterday making what i thought was an effort to be nicer. In light of all that, her going to Master with untruths about me was all the more upsetting.
i spent a good deal of time today considering the apology. i didn't want to deal with her directly because i didn't trust myself not to get into a conflict with her. i was afraid that if i was in text and she was on voice that she would manipulate the conversation to appear as if i had been out of line in some way. i decided that if i owed her an apology then i must owe one to rau too since the one statement i had made had been addressed to both of them.
i wrote an apology that explained things honestly and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Master believed that i hadn't acted wrongly but still said i needed to apologize for making her feel bad. i included that along with some things that i truly did feel i should say. i offer praise which was legitimately due her and rau too. i apologized for the state of mind i was in yesterday, for which i feel genuinely disappointed in myself for being unable to keep in perspective and function in spite of.
i'm not sure exactly what to say as a more direct response to kalli's blog. i'm not likely to ever be that person who gives off warm fuzzies. It's not me. i guess we need to meet somewhere in the middle. There's got to be a middle ground between the person who has been telling Master for the past couple of days what a great job kalli is doing as well as defending her privately and the bitch she is usually confronted with on SL.
The flip side of that is that she needs to make an effort too. she has absolutely no idea as to most of what i'm dealing with and i feel no need to make her aware. But she needs to realize that she doesn't have the monopoly on tribulations. Also, a lot of what she takes as personal attack is probably just my personality and largely the way i treat everyone. While i need to work on taking the edge off of it in her case, she needs to make an effort to be less sensitive. My sarcasm is rarely personal.
i don't harbor any grudges or bad feelings toward kalli and hope that things can move forward certainly peacefully and ideally in friendship.
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