For a long time i was thinking of the terms "kajira" and "slave" synonymously because they were, in effect, interchangeable in light of the role i had been trying to fill. i think that was a mistake now. i was looking back through some of my old blog posts and saw this illustrated in last month's "Responding to Master's observations..." entry. That i am slave is clear enough.
But slave can mean many things and kajira is merely one very specific depiction of slave. Never in my life have i fit neatly into any package. It has never been accurate to use a single word to describe a group en masse and include me in it without a string of caveats to explain the exception i represented. The other day Master used the phrase "ragtag group of misfits" and that seemed fitting in its encompassing those who otherwise defied categorization.
Likewise, the term "slave" is something of an umbrella category. It describes me. The rigidly defined subdivision of kajira does not and i have concluded that it never will. Serving Master is a gift. i love Him. Living to please and obey Him is the most exciting and palatable of possibilities of which i can possibly conceive.
In contrast, living in deference to ALL Free is incredibly distasteful a concept. Most Free are assholes. i hate them. They are not worthy of even the generic respect of a slave. To show such regard to specific Free, as per Master's orders, makes sense to me. He has dealings with them in whatever capacity and wants them treated well by His property. i understand that and, despite my overwhelming difficulties in this area, could probably learn to do this.
But to show uniform and absolute subservience to all Free without exception ever is another story. It makes no sense to me. i realize i don't have to like or understand it, only to do it, but at some level i need to feel as if it is a reasonable thing to do. And i don't. Not even close.
i keep running into this brick wall because i really don't comprehend the concept in any real way. Yesterday DJ kissed kalli. kalli is restricted white silk yet her response was accepting and flirtatious. she even giggled. i went off on DJ for doing as he had, thinking he knew gor since his close friend is of gor. It turned out he didn't know gor so i apologized and set things right with him.
So... who is in trouble here? kalli for not only accepting the physical affection of another Master but doing so eagerly? Nope! Who the fuck cares what her profile said? she damn well knew her own restrictions and, even if she was obliged to tolerate the kiss, she had no need to encourage it with her response. Is DJ in trouble for having handled Master's property such? No, he didn't know any better.
That leaves me. i was supposed to watch a Free touch my slut of a sister and keep my mouth shut because, after all, i'm kajira and shouldn't be thinking critically. So i'm in trouble, as usual, for forgetting my place... my place, apparently, not being that of one who intervenes when Master's property is mistreated and welcomes it. i was careful not to accuse kalli of any wrongdoing because i didn't want it to either reflect badly on Master by association or get her punished.
Instead i'm punished for rudely telling a Free that she is off limits. That makes absolutely no sense to me. It's just the way it is in gor. i know that. i can't apply any sort of reasoning to it and have it become any more logical. That is simply the role of kajira. Period.
Well fuck that! How can i internalize rules that defy all reason? How can i live out an existence of blanket acceptance of the screwed up actions of others, regarding them as somehow right because that's what a kajira does? i can't. Maybe if i had found gor when i was much younger, this would be easier. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks even if you are Master. But i'm NEVER going to get this part. i'm never going to be kajira!
i want to be clear here. i am in no way upset about Master's punishing me. Honestly, i think He went easy on me. i had been thinking the whip was a sure thing. And i know, even if i don't agree with it, that i did wrong as kajira. Master was right to punish me and, though it was the last thing i intended, my actions reflected badly upon Him. This isn't about the punishment.
i just don't view things as kajira and i don't think i will or can. It is too foreign to my mindset and too vast a concept to internalize. Actually, it is incongruous to my thinking, essentially the polar opposite. It is beyond me.
Master needs a kajira, not just a slave. i have no doubt that i could serve Him as slave and learn to fill the role in a way that ultimately became worthy of Him as i grew in my servitude. But that will never be adequate. He wants and deserves a kajira, not merely a slave who will fail Him time and time again, bringing Him stress, making Him look bad, and requiring His punishment. i am not kajira.
i'm not sure where that leaves me. i'm incapable of being kajira and that means i cannot serve Master. Leaving His collar would at least end the vicious cycle of my fucking up in the same way over and over again, like a stuck needle on a record player. He deserves better than a basket case who's never going to get it anyway.
That would leave me as slave with no Master and there is no other Master i would ever wish to serve. In my eyes He is the ONLY Master. He thinks i am brown-nosing when i express that sentiment but it is absolutely heartfelt. i cannot imagine ever regarding another as i do Master and i don't want to.
Staying with j isn't even a consideration any longer. So that leaves me alone. This is a viable option if not an appealing one. i SHOULD beg release but i don't want to leave Master. That i selfish, i realize, but how do i ask to walk away from the Master i love and who wants me? i'm not kajira and can't be what He wants yet i can't bring myself to beg to go. i guess that only affirms that i am truly not kajira. A kajira would offer her throat to her Master's blade if He wished it. i won't even cast myself aside to rid my Master of a parasitic wannabe kajira.
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