i've been feeling this way since yesterday, as if i'm free-falling and nothing i do is going to have any effect on any of it. i cry so much it seems like i never stop. i've been screaming at everybody at home. i was so frustrated at one point that i grabbed a pair of needle-nose tweezers that are on my computer table, a watchmaking tool, and scratched my arm with them. It didn't bleed but there's a tiny pink line there and it makes me feel better. i punched a file cabinet but that just annoyed me more. i want to REALLY cut, to bleed, to feel like i am alert and alive.
i cursed at Master on Yahoo. i was in my own head so much so that i didn't even feel as if i'd done anything horrible. It really was as if i was a spectator at a distance. There's line in The Goo Goo Dolls' Iris that says "When everything feels like a movie, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive". That's how i feel. i know i can't damage Master's property like that. i also know i have to. i'm fighting myself inside my own head. i'm insane. i'm so crazy. i hate being crazy.
Master has been amazingly lenient with me lately. He has had tons of reason to punish me and hasn't or to do so more harshly than He has chosen to. And i find myself on familiar ground. Even the whip tonight didn't shake me from this funk and i'm remembering a time a while back when i told Master to go ahead and whip me because i was so numb i wouldn't feel it anyhow.
Every time i get to this point, i know it. i know where i've been, where i am, and where i'm headed but it's like watching a train wreck with no ability to stop it. the only thing that ever stops it is Master and His whip. It's as if i have to reach some absolute low before i can start to recover and move in the right direction again.
The times Master has whipped me... REALLY whipped me and coupled it with redefining my world in the terms i need to see it by being amazingly harsh... i have snapped out of this. It's as if He has had to make me feel so small that i was about to disappear and cease to exist. Only then have i actually felt any motivation to continue existing and been able to focus and work my way back.
But there's a HUGE cost to this. It's been devastating to me to keep regressing to that place of virtual nothingness. When i'm there, i hate myself for mistreating Master and for His needing to keep dealing with my bullshit. i hate losing privileges and whatever niche they might have made me feel was mine, even if it wasn't.
i could care less if i ever wear clothes on the sims, seldom venture off anymore, and am glad v is first girl. Still, when i don't have something i used to, i feel like i'm worth less than i was. i don't want first back. i just want to stop feeling as if i'll never get back to being wherever i was in Master's mind before He took it.
And now i'm crying again! Kleenex is at no risk of going bankrupt any time in the immediate future. i'm seeing to that. But that's the cost of needing to be treated that way by Master to get my act together. He tries to go easy on me and be nice but i can never manage to get back on track until He totally beats me down in every sense of the word. i am utterly clueless as to how to change this.
That also begs the question of how this will play out in real life where i can't put on a meter and get beaten to 5% and then just turn it around from there. What will happen when i'm this much of a mess? What will Master do and how will i respond? How much will i hurt Him? How much will i make Him hurt me? How do i get out of this without going down that same horrible road every time?
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