To explain in order, i got emotional when i saw the watch that j's grandmother had given me sitting on top of his file cabinet. my first thought was that it didn't belong there and should be with my things where it belonged. yes, i know a kajira owns nothing but this one has possession of any number of things at the moment since she is not yet kajira as far as those around her know. In any case, it had been pillaged by either the kids or the dogs and j had found it and put it on top of the file cabinet for safety.
Then it hit me. That watch is a part of j's family, a precious memory of his departed grandfather with its sentimentally engraved backing and gold content representing a great deal to the meager means of the man who once presented it to his beloved. His beloved, now 94 and frail, entrusted it to me many years ago. The engagement ring i once wore, in a safe along with the wedding ring, belonged to her mother who lived to 101. Or was it her grandmother? i never met her but, from what i have seen of j's grandmother and heard of his great-grandmother, their mouths both rivaled mine.
Suddenly i started thinking about the fact that i'll need to return these to j before i go. They are family heirlooms and need to remain in his family. And that hurt somehow. a LOT. Unexpectedly. It is not the money they might be worth or the relinquishment of possessions. i am not the least bit dollar-driven or materialistic.
i guess being entrusted with items of such value to his family meant more to me than i had realized. Maybe being given items of such great sentimental value made me feel as if i had value. Relinquishing them makes me feel as if i have failed them. i am unworthy of such treasures.
That thought was on my mind throughout the rest of the night. J and i stopped at the house to pick up the mail and i had such mixed feelings. It looks great. Like a place i'd love to live. The tiles i picked are in and it feels like my own. A house with the wrong people in it will never make me happy but in some ways i do ache to enjoy this home fully.
j and i went to dinner and two bookstores and all of these ideas weighed heavily on my mind throughout our time together. i was in and out of tears but never said a word to j about why. Every calendar and book and trinket in the bookstore seemed to have some quote on it that spoke to me, yet they all pulled me in different directions. i felt more and more confused.
Then i returned home and signed online. i felt overwhelmed almost from the start but being alone in my cage was okay. i feel safe in there. It's kind of a way to hide in plain sight that really works. i am helping and among others but still isolated just enough that i usually feel at ease there. Even vibrator and cum chat didn't send me over the edge.
Then Master TPed us up to where He is building. i didn't want to go but also didn't want to ask Him if i could stay back. He would have asked why and i didn't want to talk about how i was feeling. At the time, had it so shoved down in my mind, that i'm not sure i even knew. i didn't want Him to get mad at me for wanting to be on my own either.
So i went up and just started to feel worse and worse until i knew a panic attack was imminent. By the time i finally asked to go to my spot, i was already crying and shaking. Master told me to wait. i waited. It got worse. i asked again and Master agreed that i could go.
i had just started to catch my breath because i wasn't really breathing and i could feel the strain starting. i was beginning to feel a bit better, a bit safer, blissfully alone! v and rau kept talking to me and it was VERY hard to try to let my mind relax which was why i had gone there in the first place. i was SO grateful to kalli for just ignoring me, hence kalli comparison number one.
i couldn't stop feeling overwhelmed when Yahoo and SL IMs wouldn't stop coming in. i wished everyone would just leave me alone! They were being nice and expressing concern but i needed space. i go to my spot for space! If they bother me when i'm there then i have no escape and can't feel any better.
My distress was physical by that point with me trembling and crying and grasping for breath. Master told me to TP Him there. i did, of course. It was in that state He found me only He had no idea of anything that had happened to put me in it. i couldn't tell Him. i really didn't even know myself at that point.
Master was so sweet. He rezzed places to cuddle and a fire and made it look so nice, a palm tree's fronds swaying above our heads. He held me and i just cried harder and harder. As much as i needed Him was as much as i couldn't let myself just relax and be with Him. He tried to reason with me. He tried to cajole me. i was hopelessly lost on my own head.
That led to kalli comparison number two. From what kalli has been sharing in her blog, she would give anything to have Master just drop everything and leave everyone behind and spend time alone with her. Yet i could not just give myself over to Him at that moment. i couldn't stop crying.
All i could think was that He had thought my asking to go there was a ploy for attention and i kept trying to tell Him it was not. He wanted me to accept that He loves and needs me. i couldn't. Nor could i manage to just say "yes, my Master" and shut my mouth. So He got frustrated and left, first the spot, then SL, then Yahoo too. He went to bed.
i said something obnoxious on Yahoo before He left but at least had the sense to beg forgiveness right away. Master IMed me a quote about not wanting an apology that wasn't backed up by change. It was a quote from me that He had apparently hung on to. At that point it was sheer damage control. i just needed to shut up and cut my losses.
v was idle so i IMed her requests to kennel and finally just left with no answer forthcoming.
i couldn't have written this blog last night, not only due to exhaustion, but because i lacked the ability to take even the tiniest step back then and just BE. So that is my goal for change. NOt to reorganize nearly forty years of warped thinking but just to let myself relax and enjoy what Master is giving me. i hope i have another opportunity to do so.
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