It has sunk in that i am leaving him. i made it sink in. i had to. He kept pushing me and the only alternative would have been to lead him on. i wouldn't do that. It hurts so much to know i'm hurting him though. i want so badly to sooth him and offer comfort but the only way to do that would be to stay and i just can't.
i wish i had it in me to survive living out the life i thought i'd chosen but i don't. i just hope i can survive the escape from it. June seems a long way off right now. There is just slightly more time between now and going to Master than there is between having met Master and now. If it feels as if i've known Him forever, then OMG how long is it going to feel like until i am with Him?
Sometime during the night, which i kind of sort of possibly vaguely recall a bit maybe, i must have wandered into bed with j. i awoke there this morning, actually feeling comfortable and rested, until i grasped the source of what had woken me. my father-in-law was on the phone with j and, at my proximity to j, i could hear both ends of the conversation. my father-in-law referred to me as "the situation". How endearing! i can't blame him though. Whatever he thinks of me is justified and, frankly, probably less harsh than what i think of myself.
So i went back to my office and got some work done. i also realized that, in a stroke of brilliance, i had forgotten to take my medication last night. So i took last night's medication this morning and figured i'll take it from there. i eventually fell asleep with my dog bed and trash bag setup, probably due to the meds. i guess j had been trying to call me but i had left my phone on vibrate and slept through it. He was there and stressed and mad i hadn't been helping. i guess he thinks i'd been asleep the entire time and not working at all. He doesn't know i forgot the meds. i didn't set the record straight though.
When i'm super depressed, which i've pretty much concluded is now going to be my state indefinitely, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to speak at all. i pretty much stay silent and grunt positives and negatives when they are absolutely needed. Forming words is WAY too taxing and barely even possible. Sometimes i just don't respond at all, in any way, for days on end. It's been a while since i was that low but i'm pretty close now.
Anyway, j wanted me to drive my car back to the old house so it could be loaded with still more crap and brought to the new house. The old George Carlin sketch about having too much stuff keeps coming to mind. i suppose that will do, though i was hoping for those Care Bears to finally show up.
i had to drive to the old house and, on the way, one of the lenses popped out of my glasses. This left me driving with one eye closed and nowhere to pull over for a bit. That's always safe when you're all but blind with uncorrected vision, you're depressed into numb oblivion, and there's precipitation falling on wet slick roads. On the bright side, i didn't much care. If i died, it would have been ruled an accident and i'd have been off the hook. No such luck. i made it.
So i hid in the car like an idiot petrified of being spoken to, especially by my father-in-law. He and j and the boys made trips from the old house carrying out our crap and loading it into the cars while i sat there and tried to will myself to actually move rather than just being an utterly useless waste of life and space. It didn't work. i couldn't get out of the car. i despised myself for sitting there and knew it must have looked as if i was just watching them work and didn't care. But i did care.
Master has forbidden me to use a particular self-deprecatory term to define myself under threat of a rather unpleasant punishment. Suffice it to say, i felt woefully unworthy of sharing the planet with these people and undeserving of my share of consumed oxygen. i'd need to spend weeks building up my self-esteem to get to the point of merely loathing myself for not helping them.
At that point, sitting there and thinking these thoughts, Master tried to rescue me by telling me to use a visualization technique He's been having me develop. i refused, flat out said i wouldn't do it. i told Him i didn't deserve to and that He should leave me alone. It was so impulsive and so the kind of thing i used to do all the time. i haven't resorted to that in a long time though.
i recognized it but just didn't care. Or maybe i did care and wanted to make Master angry because i was so afraid and i know if He snaps into hardcore Master mode that i feel safe. But i know that mode i get into. i typed out the disobedient and disrespectful texts as quickly as i could, forcing myself not to stop and process what i was doing, willing myself to continue and hit send before the rational side of me could intervene. Even after i sent them and i knew there was no turning back, i still didn't feel anything but numb. i should have been nervous. i wasn't.
Necessity snapped the rational side of my brain back into functioning mode when e's blood sugar plummeted to 43 and i had to rush him to the convenience store to get him juice and a snack. i texted Master that i would lose the attitude and do as He said. When i got e back to the new house, i followed Master's order and texted Him begging forgiveness for my behavior.
He responded that i've earned a punishment to be decided at His discretion. i know full well that is part of the punishment, the not knowing, the waiting to find out what it is and how it will be carried out. i've given Him a dozen reasons to punish me in the last few days, not that He requires a reason, and He hasn't. This one was a no-brainer.
Still, i think it's what i wanted. i have no doubt that there will be unpleasantness coming my way and that i'll hate it. But now i'm worrying about that and not everything else. And, despite my fear of the punishment, i know it will have an end and that Master will not abandon me and will continue loving me on the other side of it. It's still safe. It's still not going to swallow me up and consume me like my other fears.
Trouble with Master is not the best remedy of choice but it is an effective one which i know quite well how to access. i need to learn better strategies for His sake and my own. i hate treating Him this way after His being beyond amazing to me every step of the way through this nightmarish holiday and weekend. i need to learn how to cope without creating a victim of anyone, including myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment