Gratitude... Lest This Become Strictly Whinyblog

With Thanksgiving coming up i guess the subject of being grateful is on my mind.  i was lying in bed unable to still my head enough to fall back to sleep when the idea of it came to mind.  rau had described herself as grateful earlier so maybe that put the concept in my thoughts.  Or maybe it's the billions of hand drawn turkeys that one of my students with OCD has plastered over every free inch of space in my classroom.  In any case, i'm not appreciative enough of what i have and certainly not demonstratively so.  There are people i never told of my gratitude and whom i will never get to tell in this lifetime and people i'll need to tell outside this blog because, while i love them, they just aren't ones to whom i feel safe enough to expose the real me.  So to those who actually know who i am, that evolving and confused and bitchy and insane and sarcastic and well-meaning and needy being, here goes:

i am grateful to Master for seeing in me what i have never seen in myself and often still don't.  He has redefined everything i ever thought Master meant and i love Him so much that i ache with it.  i thought a Master was always strong and He is... but i am grateful that He is strong enough to allow me to see His moments of weakness and know that He is never diminished by having them.  i thought a Master was always in control... but i am grateful that He is controlled enough to to allow me to know when His tears fall and when He needs to step back, literally, to recompose Himself.  i thought a Master was always right and He is... but i am grateful that He also knows when it is right to admit His mistakes.  By being all the things i believed a Master was and, still more so, all the ones i was sure a Master wasn't, Master's example of perseverance and optimism toward people have led me to endure what i never thought i could and to let more people close to me than ever before.  i couldn't possibly say this enough.  Thank you, my Master.  i love you.

i am grateful to rau for being the best surprise in a sister i've ever had.  she came at a time when i thought things were good and couldn't get much better in terms of my plans to be with Master.  her tenacity in putting up with me and accepting me as i am is miraculous to me.  i am so grateful to feel as if i can't fail in her eyes and that makes me want even more to succeed.  i love how she sees me and sometimes even get a glimpse of myself through her eyes.  i want to live up to all she thinks i am and give back to her all the joy she brings to me.  i love the body that she so wishes was different.  i love her voice and all its different nuances.  i love her brilliance and range of knowledge.  i love her strength and her vulnerability.  Aside from her current location, i am thankful for every single thing about her.  Thank you, rau, for taking a life to which i was starting to look forward and transforming it into one that i am as eager to embrace as a small child is on Christmas morning to open her gifts.  i love you.

i am grateful to v for being someone who can make Master happy without feeling a need to flaunt or prove her place.  she brings Him love and accepts His love at a depth that never fails to impress me.  she accepts me and lets me be who i am, never imposing judgments or limits simply because she can.  she has shown me that space does not have to mean distance.  i can go days without speaking with her then connect with her as if we'd been just giggling together all day or exchanging our innermost fears for hours.  i admire v for handling the role of FG in ways i never could and doing so in such a gracious manner that i never once felt slighted by her.  That she and i have never had a conflict is a testament to her maturity and ability to lead.  Thank you, v, for doing the near impossible in gaining my trust and devotion not only for myself but as someone i trust absolutely with Master's heart as well.  i love you.

i am grateful to kalli for reflecting myself back to me at times i really need to see it.  she and i had a hard time reconnecting but i've gained patience, insight, and empathy in my dealings with her.  Any time i might be inclined to be critical of kalli, i have only to look back at myself in order to put things into perspective.  she dealt with an unexpected and unwanted move as well as doing without internet access for months.  i'd have gone off the deep end.  she managed without needed medication until very recently.  i'm a basket case without mine and often even with it.  Sometimes i have an abundance of thoughts on what kalli should do differently when it comes to serving her Master and ours.  Then i realize that she, unlike me at this point, is slave real life and 24/7.  she is living what, for now, i only dream of.  i respect her greatly for that.  Thank you, kalli, for being a reminder of where i've been and where i'm trying to go.  i love you.

i am grateful to kate for just appearing one day and instantly becoming an extension of myself.  i have felt connected to her from the moment we first chatted.  It was as if i had known her forever from that initial conversation.  i admire her willingness to dive right in and live her life.  i never fail to be impressed by her ability to listen and chat but withhold her opinion unless it is solicited.  Getting to know kate more fully is like gaining insight into myself.  she is brilliant yet goofy.  Self-aware yet totally oblivious to her appeal as a mate.  Dealing with kate is like dealing with another incarnation of myself, only one i like far better than the original.  i get some vicarious pleasure from kate's endeavors and hope our real life paths will cross again.  Thank you, kate, for knowing who you are and simply being her.  i love you.

i am grateful to Raptor for being a teddy bear in a porcupine package.  For all of his outward gruffness, he has been so good to me both to my face and behind the scenes.  i connect with him in some ways that i do with no one else and there are subjects i go to him alone to discuss.  i marvel at the tenacity with which he seeks to protect me and the indignation with which he feels affronted when he believes i've been mistreated.  There are things he knows about me without ever having been told and things i know similarly about him.  we are linked somehow and bound by that realization.  Raptor is family without being technically related and one of the few people in whose presence i always feel safe.  As with Master, he might not always treat me as i WISH to be treated but he does always treat me as i NEED to be treated.  Thank you, Raptor, for being so very many things to me... from your hard candy shell to your smooth chocolate center.  i love you.

i am grateful to Pete for being a friend who cares enough about me to want only the very best.  He is the one who helped me begin my journey to finding out who i really am so many years ago.  He was the first to glimpse the person i am learning i am, the first to help me identify and define her, and the first to help me see her as worthy of nurturing.  His intellect never fails to impress me with a range of words in his vocabulary that puts mine to shame and challenges me to learn.  Of all my online friends, i have known Pete the longest and he has helped me endure countless crises which i can only recount to others today as memories.  He has put up with many different versions of me in varying states of mental health and medication adjustment.  Thank you, Pete, for your unique insights and extraordinary conversations.  i love you.

i am grateful to Joni for being the only person i know as part of my daily real life who actually knows who i actually am.  she doesn't understand my desires and doesn't pretend to, yet she manages to never judge me.  The world in which i spend my online time is a total mystery to her yet she accepts it absolutely, with a fervent curiosity that is entirely devoid of condemnation.  Though she grasps my true nature and yearnings least of all those on my gratitude list, she understands my real life best.  She knows my strengths and shortcomings firsthand and tolerates whichever surface at any given moment.  Through her own significant hardships and depression, she has remained a giving and devoted friend at all times, never losing patience with me nor downplaying my feelings despite how foreign their origins are to her.  Thank you, Joni, for being all things in a friend as well as an exceptional co-worker.  i love you.

Last year at this time, the list of people for whom i am truly and deeply grateful would have included none of those i thanked above except for Pete.  What an extraordinary year this has been!  It just keeps getting better as i finally walk the path i was intended to walk.  Those in my life and in my heart keep increasing in number and, miraculously, i am beginning to not only allow them to get close but to actually want them there.  i am so grateful for this network of people with whom i feel safe.  It's the first time in my life i've ever had one and i truly don't take it for granted.  Thank you to all of you for being in my life.  i love each of you dearly.