Running Blind

i can't pack.  i can't.  i haven't put one thing in one box.  And we're moving today.  i just can't make myself do it.  i'm frozen.  And who cares anyway.  It's shit.  It'a ALL shit.  my whole life is shit!  It means nothing.  It's shit here.  It will be shit in the new house.  It will be shit when i leave it behind in June or bring it to Master.  At least there i won't have stuff of my own.  i can't handle it.  Everything i touch turns to shit.  i'm the anti-King Midas.  i can't take care of anything anyway without destroying it.  i don't deserve to have it.  Who the hell am i anyhow?  There are people with nothing.  Why do i have anything?

j's father-in-law and brother-in-law will be in and out of the house helping us move.  His father knows i'm leaving him.  i don't know whether his brother knows but his brother won't say anything anyhow.  His father and i are very much alike and can clash only i'm not allowed to clash with a free.  Only i don't feel slave right now.  i feel as if i'd have to climb out of this hole with a GIANT extension ladder to be elevated to slave from where i am.  

i am dirt.  Dirt doesn't need to defend itself to Free.  Dirt can be walked on.  But dirt can't drive away and never look back or pop pills or slit its wrists.  Meanwhile the fucking website about lethal overdose drug amounts no longer has all that information.  i checked.  i should have printed it out or written it down when it did.  Obviously dirt has no foresight either.

i don't know what i'm going to do with the dogs today.  The new house isn't set up for them and there's nowhere to secure them in the old one.  Maybe i'll just hang with them in my car and pretend to be home less.  i may as well be for all i appreciate what i have.  

Internet will nor be set up at the new house until tomorrow so i'm staying here tonight anyhow.  i don't care if the house is empty and dusty and filthy and i sleep on the floor.  j and i slept on the floor for a while when we had no bed.  There are memories here.  Most of them suck.  Of course they do.  They are mine.  i suck and everything of mine turns to shit.  But a kajira owns nothing if that's even what i am so Master can have my fucking memories.

i'm driving Master crazy.  i'm driving rau crazy.  i'm totally ignoring everyone else.  There's no where to hide out because this damn house has no rooms!  i am so totally freaked out right now.  i feel as if the events of the day are just going to swallow me up and eat me alive, literally.