As for yesterday, my day began with my not going to work because of anxiety and depression and a variety of emotional baggage. The details aren't as important as the fact that my state of mind wasn't ideal. An early encounter with Master online left me informed that not only had cass left but that v had also left and that Master's rl brother was in a serious car accident and it wasn't known if he'd survive. So Master and i were simultaneously a mess. When the fates are kind, those close to one another have their crises staggered so that one person is in optimal shape to help the other at any given time. No such luck yesterday.
So, Master said some obnoxious things and i just let them slide. First of all, He can say whatever He wishes. He is Master and it is His prerogative to be obnoxious if He wishes. It's not my right and yet i do it often enough so i'm certainly not going to begrudge Him the chance to be ornery. Before i knew Him well, Master's extreme moods of grief or anger frightened me far more than they do today. Today i know the patterns they follow, how He cycles through them, and that they are finite. What Master says and does when He is in such a state isn't a true reflection upon his reasoned thinking. It's raw emotion talking. i recognize this, in part, because the same might be said for how i get.
Master went on to make an allusion to harming Himself. He and i DO have a lot in common! i played along with it. i started asking perfectly calmly Him about how we'd know and when to inform people of His demise. i just wasn't in a state of mind where i could be vulnerable and soft. Hardass was the only way to go. Master signed off. i texted Him. The text i sent, though intended to help Him, was absolutely vicious. It was sarcastic and about His death and even mentioned His children by name. i brought hardass to a new level. It worked. Master responded that i was not to text Him UNTIL He came online. He didn't say UNLESS. He said UNTIL. Still, it was a hollow victory. i immediately passed the baton by texting rau, knowing innately that she'd play good cop to my bad cop. she and i are an amazing team.
Eventually Master texted me back several times. One of His texts granted me the unrequested privilege of "chewing His ass". Gotta love that expression. In New York, it would, at the very least, be "chewing His ass OUT". Clearly that wording is much more refined! So, being the loving and dutiful slave that i am, one might expect me to have simply been grateful He was feeling better and left it at that. Hell, no! i texted Him that i hadn't wanted to chew His ass, merely to drag His head out of it. i also called Him a big jerk and mentioned preferring His big jerkdom to the times i find Him psychotic.
Master tolerates a great deal in terms of the way i speak to Him at times and, while i am unarguably always slave, there are times i'm also the kick in the ass He seems to need. Whatever it is that He and i share is definitely atypical for a Master and slave. He is Master and He sets the rules and limits but He also adjusts the parameters when it works for Him and us. Most slaves probably wouldn't ever dare speak to their Masters as i sometimes do Him. Most Masters probably are too insecure or self-important to ever tolerate it. i guess i see it as our being friends in addition to Master and slave. i fear Him. i would NEVER speak to Him like that under most circumstances. He would NEVER put up with it and rightly so. It's not as if i'm advocating it. It's just how things sometimes unfold between us when life gets extreme.
Anyhow, the day continued and He told me later on online that v wanted to be Free while she thought about things. He asked me to speak with her. i did. i told her that she was hurting Him and should make a decision, that she was being selfish in not doing so, and that she was putting Him in a position which made it impossible for her to respect Him anyhow. i didn't tell her what to do. i didn't push her in a direction. i entered the conversation with the motive of sparing Master additional hurt. That's all. i reminded her that He is in love with her and wants her back and that i love her too. i felt like it was all i could do.
v left Master entirely, following that conversation, and He blamed me. He wasn't nice about it. i was hurt by some of what He said. Despite being upset and all Master had said, i never once felt as if my collar was truly in jeopardy. Master had threatened it and He meant it. He might have even taken it at that moment. But i somehow didn't truly fear for it. When He threatened it, i replied "Do as you wish, my Master". No matter what He said i simply stated that i had done nothing wrong and would bear the brunt of His anger if He wished it. i don't know where that calm came from. i guess it was just another manifestation of the same emotional sparring which had happened earlier between us. i've seen Master under similarly stressful conditions before. The last time i dealt with Him, He was practically a stranger to me.. At least this time, i knew who i was dealing with and loved Him all the more. i texted rau a long message to vent my feelings.
About an hour and a half later, Master texted me with an apology. my response, to say the least, was not filled with warm fuzzies. It mentioned my own temptations to remove my collar following that last conversation. i was still upset and mad. i also forwarded Him the text i had sent to rau. He texted me back with another apology that actually hurt my heart to read because i know what it took for Him to express Himself as He did. i thought of all the MANY times i had screwed up and spoken to Him at least as rudely as He had earlier to me, He the Master and me the slave. Of course i accepted His apology. How many times had He accepted mine for similar wrongs on the part of His own kajira?
The night continued with Master getting drunk and proceeding to telephone me in various states of inebriation to discuss a variety of things from what i mean to Him to His looking forward to my sucking His dick. It was quite an interesting series of conversations! i expressed some more feeling which needed voicing and He... well... He spoke at length, often redundantly, but from the heart. By the end of the night, i felt drained from the course of the day but fine regarding how things stood with Master. Had that squabble been with any ordinary friend and not Master, i could have reasonably expected no more in the way apologies or setting things right. That it was Master Himself who showed me such regard in making up is a credit to Him. He has the luxury of always being right simply by virtue of being Master yet He treated me with love and respect beyond what a slave might anticipate.
Today was a new day and last night, in my mind, was over. i was glad to see that Master seemed to be feeling more even-tempered and i napped a lot, missing work again due to yesterday's struggles into the early morning. Apparently my being fine with things didn't set the minds at ease of those with whom Master had shared His anger at me and thoughts of uncollaring me. i fielded a question from someone who was sure my collar was in jeopardy or gone. i found myself inexplicably defending Master to someone who couldn't possibly have known the bulk of what has transpired throughout my history with Him.
That others think i need protection or don't hold my own when it comes to Master truly baffles me. It may not always be appropriately done, but i do always make my thoughts and opinions known to Him. i am His absolutely. i am but to obey. He has every right to punish me for disobedience or insubordination and He does. But i am not a quivering or mindless little slave who lacks a backbone or a will of her own. i'd need a lobotomy to achieve that. Master doesn't expect it or even desire it of me. He knows me every bit as well as i know Him. He puts up with me because i am His just as i put up with Him because He is my Master.
No intense relationship could possibly be devoid of turmoil. It's not human nature... well human/beast nature. My conclusion, and what has ultimately surfaced to me as the epiphany of this blog entry, is that those who doubt that simply lack the maturity and/or life experience to know differently. They mean well. Their concern is out of love. i love them too. i can shelve an animosity i might have been feeling and just chalk it up to being fortunate enough to have people in my life today who care about me.
Oh, rau is fine and had just fallen asleep with her son. i'd have killed her, as intended, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i love her SO much!
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