Some Things Never Change... Others Do

One is that i hate how i feel when Master is displeased with me.  It turns my whole world upside down every time.  Another is that when i think i'm right... well, i think i'm right.  A third constant is that when i'm upset i isolate.  Even rau's attempts to talk to me did nothing to breach that wall i put up.

But some things do seem to be changing, and definitely for the better.  Master isn't happy with me and that definitely sucks.  There's no doubt about that.  But Master's displeasure doesn't catapult me into a state of frenzied desperation.  i used to get so disproportionately fearful that He would uncollar me or even punish me in some horrendous way that it would lead me to launch a proactive counter strike, if only in my head.  i would think to myself that i didn't care or that i hated Him, protecting myself just in case the worst was to come.  Initially, i would even mention leaving Him.  Today, it's different.  i know He's going to talk more about what He didn't like and it's not going to be a fun conversation.  Maybe He'll punish me and that is never pleasant.  But i also feel secure enough to know that it will be okay.  He won't stop loving me and He won't turn me away.  It doesn't make Master's displeasure any less distressing but it does make it tolerable enough that i don't need to go off the deep end in an attempt to cope.  i can deal with it more appropriately and productively.

As for being right... i still believe i am.  What is different now is that i don't have to be.  There is no victory in being right and alone anymore.  It was a challenge for me to get used to the fact that Master is right simply by virtue of being Master and that i simply have to deal with that sometimes.  When i first learned to deal with it, i hated it!  But now it's a lot more comfortable and it doesn't grate against me so much.  i guess that's submission.  Master lets me be heard  nearly always and at least affirms my point of view nearly as often.  On those occasions when He doesn't, i'm wrong because He says i am and that's all there is to it.  It's not fun, as if i was guaranteed that,  but it's no longer agonizing either.

In terms of my tendency to isolate when i am upset, that continues to be a trait of mine consistency.  Nevertheless, i don't do it so angrily anymore.  i wasn't angry at rau's contacts as i once would have been but appreciative of her loving concern.  i don't go off on my own and think hateful thoughts.  i just use the time to regroup and then move on.  i played Lemonade Stand, am blogging now, and will beg Master's forgiveness when this entry is complete.  my time alone was neither self-indulgent nor unproductive.  i calmed down, reflected upon it, and will continue on in whatever way Master wishes.  

It truly is the path and not the destination.