Coping Strategies

Despite my begging and pleading and arguing in any number of ways, Master flat out refuses to tolerate my cutting myself, even just this once, even superficially.  i wanted to cut SO badly earlier but it is subsiding a bit.  i wanted to tell Master that i hated Him for not letting me cut.  i wanted to tell Him how cruel He is to deny me the only respite i know from the pain i am in.  

He threatened to punish me for cutting by making me spend the first two days i am with Him in real life bound immobile, gagged, and blind-hooded.  i told Him He was bluffing.  He asked if He'd ever threatened a punishment and not followed through on it.  Um... no, never.  He asked if i wanted to gamble on the being the first time.  Again, a pretty clear answer... no.  

i wanted to threaten to not go to Him if i cut and He says i've earned the punishment.  How stupid is that?  It's a total no-win.  If He upholds the punishment, what do i do?  Not go?  Boy, that would show Him, my ruining everything for myself.  If He backs down from the punishment, not that i think there's a chance in hell that He would, i wouldn't respect Him and that would destroy everything.  

So i'm in emotional agony and freaking out and feeling things i want more than anything to suppress.  And i'm blaming Master for making me feel them.  i keep thinking of things i want to do to upset or irritate Him.  Like... i won't REALLY cut but i'll TELL Him i did.  Wow, there's a good plan!  i can get punished for NOT doing exactly what i want to but lying that i did.  Ingenious!  At one point He suggested, and i suspect this would be funny at another time, that i kick a tree.  To add insult to injury... no pun intended... He then added that i may not kick it with enough force to break any toes.  My first brilliant thought?  i'll show Him.  i'm GOING to break my toes kicking a tree.  i think i have not just ODD but ODSD... oppositional defiant stupidity disorder.  

But, aside from being utterly unyielding, Master has been amazingly loving today too.  He has been my sanity hotline all through the night and the day.  He has texted me over forty times since last night's "i suck!!!" blog and expressed His love and concern while i threw belligerence and sarcasm back in His face every step of the way.  i was a total bitch, didn't call Him Master, answered Him with "whatever" and "i don't care", begged forgiveness during a moment of lucidity at about 4am, and kept treating Him just as badly.  

i never feel as safe as when Master either reassures me or when He threatens me.  Today, He did a lot of both.