i can deal with anything, it feels like, other than my own life. i know the grass is always greener and that my own life will always pose overwhelming challenges but the prospect of living with violent teenagers for even one more day, for even the rest of today, is just beyond what i can cope with any longer. i can't be cursed out and attacked and abused by someone who calls me his mother. i can't watch those around me either impotent to put a stop to it or subjected to the same mistreatment. i can't sit with a phone in my hand, pretending to myself that it is to catch incoming texts, when it's actually to dial 911 at a second's notice before it can be ripped from my hand.
For all the insanity slavery brings, it is blissfully defined and structured, and predictable for the most part. i want it so badly and i want it now. i want not to be afraid, not to wonder when i'll need to be afraid again. i want not to be awakened by screaming or cursed at or threatened. i want to live with adults. i want to be understood and accepted for who i actually am not the persona i've tried to create for the allegedly normal world.
i want to walk out of my life and never look back and step into a new one and just start fresh. i can't cope here and don't want to and won't.
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