Don't Know

Don't know what i'm thinking.  Don't know what i'm feeling.  Frankly, i don't know which way is up right now.  Sounds like the perfect time to blog.  So, blog muse, overtake me!

Shit.

Nothing.

i'm feeling really isolated right now, not the kind of isolated where i'm hiding out and the rest of the world is circling like vultures.  With that kind of isolated i usually know everyone is trying to help but i just can't cope with them yet.  i need time and space to regroup before facing them.  

This is different.  i just feel detached.  i feel as if everyone is speaking some new version of English which i can vaguely follow but whose subtleties i can't quite grasp.  Maybe there's a twinge of paranoia.  i don't know.

Toward every one of the major players in my life i am feeling some source of stress.  From experience, i know that almost inevitably means the issues lie with me and not them.  The entire world doesn't spin off its axis at once while i tsk-tsk them and wallow in whatever passes for normalcy at the moment.

Okay, so it's emanating from me.  Now what?  i guess that begs the question of how much of it is chemical and how much is situational.  If it's chemical i am pretty much relegated to riding it out and trying to do damage control by reminding myself that feelings aren't facts.  No, nou, you do NOT have to attack the nice people who are doing all these evil things which only seem evil to you since you're fucked up at the moment.  Only what if they are being mean?  What if i would think they were even if i was okay right now?  Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, right?  Yeah, just a TWINGE of paranoia.  Right!

i really do find it to be a cruel irony than i'm sane enough to know i'm crazy yet too crazy to do much about it at times like this.  Sometimes i truly envy those who just happily talk to invisible Care Bears and spend their days blissfully oblivious to all else.  Not very product but so what? It's not as if they realize that.  Who knows?  Maybe that's my future.  Things to do list addendum:  Learn the names of the Care Bears in case any start showing up.

Well, no epiphanies, no conclusions to draw, no pep talk to self.  Things to do list addendum 2:  Fire blog muse.