Death and Other Things on my Holiday List

Today has sucked, every second of it.  A big part of the reason is my belief that i deserve it to suck.  Why shouldn't it suck?  i suck!!!  

i despise myself so much, everything about me.  i am so close to suicide right now that it it frightening me because usually i just toy with the idea but, at this moment, i am fully capable of it.  i have written out the suicide note in my head over and over all day.  i suck!!!

i'm about to hurt everyone anyway so why stick around to watch the train wreck?  Why not just hurt them with my death and spare myself the identification of the bodies?  i am taking so many things that so many people would kill for and throwing them away.  Why?  Because i'm too much of a freak to want the things that should make me happy.  i suck!!!

And a change in geography is never going to change how much i suck or how much i hurt people.  i suck!!!

i know so many people who are unemployed or underemployed in this crappy economy and i'm about to leave a very secure job with good pay where i've been for fourteen years and... here's the kicker... i even LIKE the job.  i suck!!!

i know tons of people who have lost houses to foreclosures, are in danger of losing them, or can't afford one in the first place.  i just managed to actually buy one and am about to leave it and probably lose whatever investments went into it to.  i suck!!!

Most of the people i know would give anything for a faithful, devoted, industrious, loving spouse.  j is the nicest guy in the world.  He couldn't possibly love me any more than he does.  He does more than any husband should ever need to do, puts up with more than any human being should need to endure, and has seen my through the depths of hell without wavering from my side for a second.  my response?  i'm about to walk out on him and twelve years of marriage.  i suck!!!

i could go on and on with more things i should feel grateful to have but only feel burdened with or like a freak for leaving.

i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!

The thing is, being the total freak that i am, i will never be happy with any of the things i'm about to leave.  i should be.  Normal people are.  But i just suck too much to count what i should see as blessings and appreciate them and stop thinking that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow instead of some rainbow-generating holographic machine.  i suck!!!

i don't want to stay where i am.  It's not even a matter on not wanting to.  i can't stay here.  It's not an option.  It is killing me.  It has been for years.  It will kill me soon if i don't jump in and end it one way or another.  i suck!!!

But maybe it's not this situation which is killing me.  Maybe it's life in general.  i've always been a freak.  i've always been a square peg.  So why would leaving make me feel any better?  Since when am i a fucking optimist anyhow?  If life is going to suck anyhow, why don't i just leave it entirely.  A change of address card isn't going to be a panacea.  Not for me.  i suck!!!