Friday, October 24, 2008

The beginning of the end...

Doing what is right does not necessarily feel good.  i spoke with j tonight about my leaving.  i didn't mention anything about what i am going to do but, for the first time, was absolutely clear that i fully intend to leave and that things are over between us.  i guess a small part of me feels good to finally have the truth on the table but, overwhelmingly, i feel like shit.

Watching the realization dawn on j's face, seeing the hurt in his eyes, hearing the anguish in his voice, and seeing him snap into the mode of protector and advocate for his sons... it was all but unbearable.  i think i expressed myself as well as i could have.  i was calm and quiet and made my points clearly.  i was as complimentary and appreciative of j as possible but i didn't backslide on any of my convictions to ease the tension between us.

He said that what i'm doing is cruel and i conceded that point.  i agree.  i have from the start.  i have old notecards of conversations with Master that demonstrate this.  But then he called me sadistic and i told him i am not.  i said that sadism implies malice and i have absolutely none.  

i recognize his gamut of emotions, not the least of which is very legitimate anger, but i'm not going to be portrayed as acting with the intent to screw over anyone.  That is the last thing i want and the reason i have stayed so long and have been taking so long to tell him about the fact that i am going to leave.  i threw out the idea of leaving at the end of the school year but that seems impossibly soon for logistical reasons.

we are not even sure what our legal obligation to remain in possession of the house is in terms of a timeframe.  our particular type of loan may mandate a certain period of residence.  i told him that i would try to be flexible but i left no room for misunderstanding.  It's over.  i'm leaving.  

i suggested he take the big check i get in June and use that to pay the mortgage for the next couple of months when i go but he said that will hardly do anything.  i suggested we sell when we can but he wants to hang on to the house for the boys' sake.  i suggested he take on a tenant that he knows and let the rent cover a chunk of the mortgage.  i finally realized that he needed to think it through on his own, to wrap his head around the newness of it all and process it further in his mind.

i told him it's not about him, that it's not a matter of his doing anything wrong or failing to do something right.  i told him that i love him and that he deserves someone who will regard him and treat him as i can't or don't.  i told him i harbor absolutely no animosity toward him.

But i held my ground too.  He said that the new house was supposed to be a fresh start for us and i said that that was HIS dream, never ours.  His wishful thinking had just projected it onto me over and over again despite my giving him evidence to the contrary.

He was mad that i had left him financially committed to the house and i reminded him of all the times i had told him i didn't want the house, including one very serious talk prior to the closing.  i took responsibility for not knowing what i wanted until it was very late in the process and also in my cowardice in not communicating with him in a way that left no room for doubt.  i explained to him what my thinking had been to close on the house and leave us with equity rather than fail to close when we were already financially obligated and leave us in debt with nothing to show for it.

When we got home he sat in the car for a bit without coming in.  When he did come inside, he looked as if he'd been beaten down and likely shed some tears.  i want so badly to ease his pain, to hold him, to reassure him that i will stay.  i hate to be the one who is hurting him, even if only by the results of my finally advocating for myself.  i wish he wanted me gone, that he was in love with someone else, that he was relieved by my news.  But he was devastated. 

He asked me to stay until he can get his doctorate and promised to do that as quickly as possible.  He is hoping that, in doing so, he will have the earning capacity to maintain the house on his own.  He said it would probably take two years when i pushed him for a specific timeframe.  i told him only that i would try.

If i remain that long, we will need to work out certain conditions.  i would never disrespect him by flaunting my new life and would not allow the boys to feel as if i was taking advantage of him either.  But i will insist on certain freedoms that i don't have now.  i'm not going to sneak around to use voice or to visit Master.  

i'm a homebody.  It's not as if i'll be out partying every night.  But i'm also not going to start lying to cover for myself.  And he can and should seek out female company if he wants to, also in subtle ways for the benefit of the boys.  i guess it would be like being separated while living together.  

i told him he can have custody of the boys, that i don't want it.  Honestly, e will be 15 in July and s will be 16 in June.  By the time i am actually fully out, custody will be all but a moot issue because the boys will be close to eighteen.  It is hard to hear myself say that i don't want my kids.  It is hard to see it written here in black and white.  But it is the truth.  i am totally unable to deal with them in any functional way and maintain any sanity.

All through dinner i thought of Master.  At first j and i sat in awkward silence and i was thinking of how Master had said i could write out DJ's apology but had to deliver it in person.  i had decided that i would write out the things i wanted to say to j.  There had been so many times that i thought them in my head and willed myself to say them aloud to him, at the beginning of this meal included, but just couldn't force out the words.  With a letter in my hand, i thought i could probably make myself read it to him.

But them we started discussing the stupid tile and things that need to be chosen for the house.  This was before we got into how our futures would be apart.  i was willing to select the materials but, in response to j's comments about being excited, said that i didn't care about the house.  He offered to go alone for the time and i unthinkingly blurted out "i want to have a say 
in it if i'm going to be living there for a time and also because it will affect the resale value".

i could all but watch the words sink into j's mind and the underlying meaning dawn on him.  Part of me wished i had kept my mouth shut and not tipped him off, sparing him the pain.  But there was a part of me that hoped he would get it this time so i could stop worrying about how to broach the subject with him and what would happen when i finally did.

i guess i should feel glad that that particular worry is behind me but this is going to really suck in so many ways for a very long time and i am NOT looking forward to that!  He asked in the car on the way home if he could just ask me one question.  i said yes, sure he was going to ask if i was leaving him for someone else.  

Instead he asked about a recent large ATM withdrawal i had made.  It was kind of strange, almost comically so.  i answered him honestly but asked if he was thinking i was supporting a drug habit or something.  He said that he hadn't thought it went to drugs but had wondered about it and hadn't wanted to ask for fear of angering me.  

This kind of put things back into perspective for me to some extent.  Master has said that i should treat j with respect and remember he is a Free.  i tried to do that in talking to him tonight and have been trying to do it as much as possible lately, with a fair amount of success.  

However, i'm damn sure that Master is never going to avoid asking me about expenditures, if i have any dealings with them, for fear of angering me.  i need Master whom i cannot intimidate or manipulate.  As hard as tonight is and as the coming months and maybe even years will be, i know i'm moving in the right direction.

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