Master is right about Him not needing to know every good thing i do. i haven't felt a need to point them out to Him so much lately either. But He said that i should be doing them because they are the right thing. i have to admit that i don't care in the least what the right thing is. i do them because it is what Master wants and it would please Him.
That's true on SL especially because i wear His collar there. In rl i don't, not yet anyhow. my job and home require a huge degree of aggression and dominance on my part and i don't know how to filter that out at certain times but not others. i'm scared to. i'm scared to have the vulnerability of forfeiting that aggression without the security of Master's rl collar to back it up. my personality has long been a defense mechanism and i know that shield needs to be let down. i just don't know how to do it in rl, away from Master, and i don't feel safe trying.
Master said that i know He wouldn't talk about punishing me if He was going to and that He would just do it. That's not a pattern i've noticed though, now that He has pointed it out, it is the case. Still, Master's talking about punishing me is frightening. i always wish He would just do it instead of leaving me to wait and wonder. i didn't take it lightly that He was just talking about it and therefore wouldn't really punish me and i don't think that's a bad thing. i have no doubt that the second i get a cavalier attitude about being punished, i'm headed for a BIG punishment.
The other major pattern i see here is that the further i get from a punishment, the less fine-tuned my behavior gets. i am highly aware of this pattern and i see it coming and do everything i think i can to prevent it from repeating but it inevitably does. It's been a week since i've been punished in any way.
Some part of me gets anxious and insecure. i live for the moments when Master scolds or warns me and then says "good girl" when i respond "yes, Master". And some piece of me wants and needs to feel the safely of being knocked on my ass and reminded in no uncertain terms that i am slave and Master's. i know this but i need it demonstrated.
That's not a good thing. It makes Master's life more arduous. i know how much stress He is under and i don't want to add to it. i thought i'd been very careful this time to be conscious of this pattern and not allow myself to do things to provoke Him. i've thought that before. i always screw it up.
At the risk of whining, i'm also under a lot of stress and am feeling it acutely right now. i think Master knows this and i think His desire to be sensitive to it is actually what makes it harder for me. Right before i asked again to kennel, i had returned to the SL window and He said it was my choice whether Sonya showed the pictures in public. i just COULDN'T make a decision at that moment. i have no doubt that it was Master's intent to be sensitive to me but all i wanted was for Him to tell me what to do. And i was too frazzled to say that just then. So i asked to kennel.
i guess if i'm to put a positive spin on this blog it would be that all the things i want and need and fear, and all the patterns i see, build a picture of kajira. It's hard to reread that and doubt that i am slave. They also bring to mind another pattern, one on which i do feel i've made significant progress. It used to be that when Master got angry, so did i. And any time i got angry, i was egregiously disrespectful to Master.
i'm definitely not perfect on this front but i've reread old notecards and i can't ever imagine speaking to Master as i had. Even angry or upset today, i think i stay on the right side of the line in terms of how i speak to Him. It took the whip to drive that home home but i got the point, finally. It wasn't easy to get but at least i've retained it and, staying conscious of it, hope to continue to do so.
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