Master asked how i felt in dealing with nailah the other night. There's not one simple answer to that. A big part of me was on auto-pilot and just going through the motions and doing what needed to be done. i've always been good in crises, level headed and able to exercise sound judgment rather than panicking. So, i simply responded instinctively. i kept nailah talking, fished for information which might be helpful when emergency help was contacted, and did my best to reassure her. At that level, there wasn't much feeling at all other than a bit of an adrenaline rush.
Another part of me was numb. It was surreal. It felt like the situation couldn't possibly be happening. The last time i remember feeling that way to that degree was when i received word that my brother had died. It was almost as if i was outside myself watching what was happening, what i was doing, as if i was watching another person. It wasn't quite to that extent with nailah, but it certainly brought back that general feeling.
A part of me was also skeptical. Right down to my core, i am loathe to believe anything is actually what it seems or that anyone is genuine. i considered that nailah was faking it, that she and eve had concocted some elaborate scheme to fake her death and not have to deal with Master. When her husband came on i was even more dubious. Would he really react that way? Would 911 not have kept him on the line? The cop served only to increase my lack of trust with his not offering his last name and some of how he conducted himself. When Master told me nailah had already been released from the hospital i was even more doubtful. It seemed too quick. i'm not entirely convinced even now that the experience was real but i think it was.
Then there was the part of me that was increasingly terrified. What if it was real? What if nailah died? What if i was the last one to communicate with her and i screwed up my end of things, resulting in her death? There were definite parallels to my feelings about my father's death. i felt responsible for nailah's fate, guilty without being able to pinpoint any wrongdoing on my part. i felt utterly helpless.
And there was another part of me as well, the one that felt jealous of nailah. She had the guts to do it. She didn't chicken out like i always have. Her problems were over. Everyone would contemplate how wonderful she had been, how much she had been loved, and she would be blissfully ignorant of it all. The world would go on without her and all her tribulations would either cease or continue in her absence. She was living my dream!
But i immediately recognized that her methodology was lacking. It was unfair to leave people wondering as to her fate. If i was going to kill myself, i'd make damn sure i maximized the likelihood of my death and also that no one knew about it until i was fully dead. None of this waiting around for news and praying crap. nou's dead? Oh well. Let's move on.
That plan does have it's loopholes though. There's no guarantee of death and being left alive and in some state of impairment is a gruesome thought. The options would either be to do it at home and, unless the plan was unrealistically elaborate, to be found by a family member or, as Master pointed out, to do it elsewhere and have a family member have to come identify my body. Either way, that's a REALLY crappy thing to put on them.
Master wanted me to write about how i think others would feel if i killed myself. At first i guess they'd be surprised, some more than others. They'd probably go through all the usual cliches of my being so young and having so much to live for and all that other bullshit. As i had with nailah, they would probably feel responsible and guilty even though they would NOT be. i would at least leave a note telling them they were not and that there was nothing they could have done and that they were the reason i stuck it out for as long as i did. Who knows? Maybe some of them would be jealous just as i was.
But time would pass and, for them, life would go on. Master once said that the reason He said what He did after He first whipped me with the slave whip was so i would realize i was expendable. His words didn't bother me because they catapulted me into this new realization. i know damn well every second of every day that i am expendable and i've known it all my life. It was the fact that Master knew it which upset me so much. If He knows then He can release me. If He knows, then others know. It made my downfall feel all the more imminent.
i think that's also what made losing first girl status so hard to take. It took away my niche. It made whatever purpose i may serve... or at least appear to serve... all the more elusive. It made me all the more expendable and blatantly so. At other times, aside from when i was new, i always had some sort of foothold. Well, i thought i did anyhow. When amina was first and i was second, she was never there and i was needed. When kimmy was kennel mistress and i was first, we each had our jurisdiction of sorts.
No matter how the roles played out, mine always seemed to matter enough to make it more perspicacious for Master to keep me than not. It's not that i thought He couldn't or wouldn't uncollar me with good reason but i invariably thought He would need substantial cause to do it. That feeling has changed with me as second again.
i shouldn't even say again. In effect, i was never second before. When i was second to amina she literally was never there at all. Without a first, i really wasn't in the role of second. Now i am for the first time. It's actually a better fit in most ways, despite Master's prediction to the contrary. i never felt worthy of respect as first and never demanded it be given to me except by the noobs who were obnoxious idiots. With v as first, i make sure everyone shows her appropriate respect. i'm comfortable deferring to her and i love and trust her. she doesn't have a fraction of my moodiness. And she is proving to be a strong first which i never doubted she could be.
The only downfall of that from my point of view, and it's selfish to view it as one, is that it makes me feel not only expendable but absolutely useless and somewhat superfluous. There was a time when the functioning of the sims would have had to adjust quite a bit if i had suddenly vanished or, to keep to the topic, died. Master probably would have had to adjust as well.
That is not so now. v is totally capable and doing a great job. If i killed myself, others would go through all the standard phases of response but then everyone's lives could go on without any substantive changes. Both the sims and Master Himself would be fine. How would everyone feel? i don't know. There are things about me they might miss and things they'd likely be glad to be rid of. Someone else would come along with different qualities and everything would find a new balance. Life for those remaining would carry on just fine.
i'm not suicidal right now and i don't know that i could bring myself to kill myself. i do realize that doing so would cause pain to the people i would least want to hurt. i'm sure that's what Master wanted me to get at. But i'm also realistic enough to know that, except for my mother, they would go on leading essentially unchanged lives. i don't know that i ever mattered enough for that not to be so but i certainly don't now.
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