What constitutes abuse of a consenting adult?

Today started off horribly and has not taken any turns for the better.  i was sound asleep with a loud fan on its highest speed and earplugs with the highest commercially available decibel blockage in my ears.  i was awoken by the sound of e having a tantrum over s not getting punished, by his estimation, as severely for stealing from me and he had gotten for stealing from j.  Life is just full of what he considers these gross inequities.

i got up and immediately turned on the computer, my security blanket and link to those who accept, understand, and can even relate to me.  i started crying and rau, who has been a godsend this past week, listened to me whine and cry on voice for a while and talk about wanting to be dead.  i actually pulled out the Hiding the Bodies chore notecard that i hadn't viewed in months and read it over.  Living to fail, failing to live.  That line had always stood out in my mind and it did again today.

rau asked if i had told j that i couldn't go on living like this any longer.  i had.  she asked what j said.  He said he wouldn't let it continue.  He has said that a million times in a million ways for what feels like a million years.  And i keep telling him honestly, just as i did this morning, that it's not within his control.  It's not a matter of a lack of effort on his part.  Living like this is killing me and i need out.  One way or another, i need out.

When j had then left to drop the boys at the bowling alley, i had sobbed to rau on voice and indulged myself in a bit of a nou pity party.  j returned home alone and said that he would take me out to breakfast.  He was going out of his way to be nice.  In the car on the way to the diner i told him that nothing is going to change.  he said that he thinks we need to spend time together and things like that.  i was very clear about it being over and me being done and my not being interested in making  any efforts to the contrary.

we ate lunch at the diner and returned home.  my printer needed ink so when i walked out of the bathroom and saw j standing by my makeshift room, i thought he had probably just gone in to check what type of ink it took.  But he was looking at me funny.  He came over and cornered me by my chair.  He said that i'd told him yesterday that i had said i would allow him sex if he wanted it and that he wanted it now.

Sex with j in the past couple of years has been rare, mundane, and not remotely satisfying.  i thought this would be the same.  Wow, was i wrong!  First j tapped the computer table behind which he still had me cornered and told me to put my glasses there.  i knew that meant it would be rough but even j's version of rough has never been much in my eyes.  

i purposely put my glasses in a spot other than the one in which he had tapped, just to see what he would do.  he accepted that and i could immediately hear Master in my mind handling it differently.  j's voice was totally calm.  It was confident and had an icy edge.  It wasn't the j i knew or expected and i wasn't sure what to think.

Next he simply said "strip".  He has never ordered me to strip before, never even used that word with me.  i did, removing my t-shirt, shorts, and panties.  He ordered me to turn around and i did, with a helpful shove and yank of my hair from him.  i thought he'd smack my ass but i heard him removing his belt.

i held my breath and held still, knowing what was coming.  He whipped my hips and ass and thighs HARD.  i have no idea how many times but the spots where the belt landed repeatedly hurt.  He grabbed my ponytail and dragged me to the bed which was easier said than done since getting to the bed as he ordered required me to turn around and he had me by the hair.

He threw me on the bed and continued with the belt, even on my back.  i guess his being right handed made my right hip an easy target and more lashes landed there than anywhere.  It really HURT, so much so that i even risked  scooted up on the bed a bit, hoping that the belt would at least land in a different spot.  

He said that he knew nothing was going to change between us and that this wasn't going to make him think otherwise.  He said that he didn't care if i enjoyed the sex because he would.  i had offered it and he was taking it.  It was as simple as that.

So he did take it, violently.  He never put the belt down for more than a moment if he had me on my stomach and never let me forget its feel.  He rolled me to my back and my head was jammed against the door that is the wall of our makeshift bedroom, my neck at an awkward angle.  i was scared to protest.

He grabbed my breasts very harshly, something he knows i hate, and bit one.  i have marks all over both of them still.  He told me to say i was beautiful, something i would have protested doing in the past, but i readily complied.  He told me to repeat the words and slapped me when i did.  Again, he made me repeat "i'm beautiful" and slapped me.  Some of it's a blur but i know he slapped me a lot of times on both cheeks with his palm and backhand.  For a split second, i flashed black in my head.

He put my legs as he wanted them, jammed his cock inside me, and fucked me hard.  If i made any sound, he slapped me hard but it was almost impossible to be silent unless i held my breath entirely.  i was hurting and scared and being ridden and just trying to give him what he wanted.  He came in side me, grabbing my breasts viciously as he did, then shoved me aside and said again that he knew nothing had changed just because of that.

i just rolled onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow, crying hysterically.  He had never acted like that before in so decisive and confident and serious a way and with as much pain and damage to me.  i knew before i even looked that i would be welted and bruised.  i was just hoping that my face wouldn't show any marks but it doesn't.

He reached over and tried to scratch my back but i pulled away in the tiny bit of room i had to do so.  i couldn't stop crying.  i kept telling him that i was sorry... sorry for not being a good enough wife and mother, sorry that doing when i need means hurting him too, sorry about not knowing in time to keep us from being obligated to the house.  i asked him if he felt better.  

i had hoped he might be less angry and i might feel less guilty.  He said he hadn't been angry, that he thought i'd like it too.  He started to realize how freaked out i actually was and saw that my tears wouldn't stop, he started to apologize.  He kept apologizing until i told him to stop.

i lay there, frozen in place as my tears finally subsided, but didn't move until he left the house to go get the boys from bowling.  i was sore could feel his cum inside me.  i just wanted to disappear.  we had to meet the contractor at Home Depot as soon as he got back with the boys so i didn't even have time to clean up fully.  i did what i could and dressed.  i signed online quickly and IMed Master on Yahoo.  He wasn't at His computer but i told Him i loved Him.  i needed to.

Going to Home Depot was like being in shock.  i could barely speak or focus for a while, until i started to feel less numb and more like myself again.  we managed to get through the shopping trip, a stop at Staples for ink, and home.  But j was not himself on the outing.  He insisted on holding my hand, something he hasn't done in years.  He tried to pull my shirt up in the parking lot.  That is NOT him.  It's as if he figures he has nothing to lose anymore.

j took a nap when we got home and i signed on to have Master scream in accidental caps "WELCOME BACK PRECIOUS".  It felt so nice!  Not that Master needs my permission because He can obviously say or shout whatever He pleases to me, but i told Him He can scream things like that at me as much as He likes.

i told Master about growing close with rau which led to my mentioning crying to rau in the morning and then sex with j in the afternoon.  Master was not happy.  He growled, and definitely not in a cute way.  He says it's abuse.  But i agreed to it, went along with it, even offered it.  How can you abuse a consenting adult?

Now Master says i am not to let j slap or hit me including with the belt.  It's hard to envision myself enforcing that.  i can't disobey Master but disobeying j when he is like that and standing right in front of me, cornering me... i don't know how that will play out.  

As odd as it is though, i'm really not scared of j.  i think i could get him to stop if i had to.  i know what to say and how to get to him.  i'm far more afraid of Master.  i even pointed out to rau that getting whipped by Master will be worse than this was.  And, after this, i am NOT looking forward to the initiatory whipping.  

My fear of Master is far more than of His physical punishment though.  Master knows who i am and who i should be and strives to make them one and the same.  It's challenging when He pushes me and scary too.  i don't ever want to disappoint or fail Him.

i guess i hate that i am disappointing and failing j by leaving.  i expect his anger and feel that he is entitled to it.  It seems the natural complement to my guilt.  i guess i need to find a way to resolve that without tolerating what Master considers abuse.  i wish i could just make clean break once and for all.