Doubts and Confirmations

The past several days have been especially hard in some ways and have left me questioning things i thought i'd come to terms with. One thing that has been harder than it had for a while is j. we don't share a bed or even a room and seldom are even in the same room at the same time at all nor do we see each other undressed any longer. But there was something magnetic between us Friday morning before work. we both felt it. i was dying to jump him and initiate sex. It has been a long time and i wanted him so badly. He was adorable, with his dimple pronounced, and showing off the witty side i once fell in love with. i wanted him and nearly gave into it. The dogs barked to go out and i used that as my excuse to make a quick getaway.

He gave me a watch which was lime green that he said he'd been saving for Valentine's Day. He said he just had to give it to me right then. It was just the endearing sort of thing that hooked me years ago, picturing him selecting this silly watch in a store because he knows i love all things green. i ached to tell him i love him, to embrace him, to promise i won't leave. i did none of those and it hurt.

we fought later in the day over money and i began to think how much of the stress between us has been money-based. i wondered if we might have been in a different place if finances were different. Then i thought about the fact that there will be no greater financial stability with Master and probably far less. Will the same stressors mean the same fate of the relationship? Will they destroy it?

Later in the weekend there was another moment when i wanted so overwhelmingly to just go lean my head on j's shoulders and feel his arms around me and let him comfort me. i haven't quite known what to do with all these feelings that have been stirred up. Is there a chance i could actually be happy in a vanilla relationship with j? i once was... or might have been... or thought i was... wasn't i?

i've also been thinking about how i'm horny and lonely for the touch of someone other than myself. Besides, how can ending a marriage of nearly twelve years not have moments of pain and doubt and sadness? j is a good guy. He has been amazingly devoted to me and stood by me through some abysmal and lengthy crises, ones i can't imagine ANYONE putting up with as unconditionally.

Sometimes now i can't stand to be in the same room with him, can't stand the sound of his breathing or the sight of his dry lips peelings without my skin crawling. Is that what happens to everyone over time? Will things about Master disgust me too? It seems inevitable that they will. i wonder which things they will be but, much more so, i wonder how long they will take to rankle me. Days? Weeks? Years?

Do things with Master even have the potential to last years? What happens after Master, if there is an after? i've never really seen it as my leaving j for Master. i've always felt that i need to leave j and, separately, i will be going to Master. If j was out of the picture, i'd still be going to Master. If Master was out of the picture, i'd still be leaving j. i'm not as sure about this right now as i had been.

Also on my mind, in light of the fact that my mother was hospitalized last night and piggybacking off the subject of finances, is not having money for medical expenses. i have TONS of medical conditions, take 8 different prescriptions daily, have an absurdly risky familial history, and without insurance the related costs would be astronomical. What if there's an emergency that involves a hospitalization and/or surgery? What if i develop some medical condition or disease that requires costly treatment? This terrifies me.

The flip side, though, is that i currently have great insurance and access to the best of medical care and, despite these conditions, the thought of my life continuing as it is makes me want to cut or kill myself. It's sort of ironic. i can have optimal healthcare and want to damage my health or lacking health care but, ideally, want to improve my health. Master's influence in what He has required of me and in terms of increasing my motivation to live has been GREAT. There's no way around that. Still, it's a huge leap of faith in this respect and that has me especially spooked.

The other big thing on my mind, and more directly related to yesterday's events, is my mother. Had i been in Virginia, i don't know how the situation would have played out. It had to be me. She wouldn't have called anyone else. She wouldn't have allowed anyone else to deal with her as she did me. i don't even approach stubborn when viewed next to her. She needed me and wanted me and was and is grateful for me... and only me.

i put her through hell as i was growing up and she never faltered. She was to me what i can't be with my own kids. It's only been ten or twelve years since i've gotten along with her and come to appreciate her. Who knows how much more time with her i might have? How do i leave her? How do i give up that time? How do i falter with her where she didn't with me and leave her to fend for herself in order to follow my own wants?

i think about her moving to Virginia but she never would. i think about driving to see her once a month which is possible but seems unlikely that it would really happen between weather obstacles, car troubles, gasoline prices, etc. The thing is, i seldom see her now since i am usually so emotionally paralyzed with my own life. my absence hurts her as it is now. She wonders whether to blame herself or me for it. If i was actually... dare i say it... happy with Master, maybe i would be able to be there for her in a way i can't now. That sounds more like rationalization that a realistic hope to me at this point though. my being happy is that far-fetched a concept.

When i got home from visiting her at the hospital today, s had stolen some things out of my room. He didn't take anything costly or of great value to me but the fact that i can have no security of self or property while living with him stood out to me all the more. The boys and j are a package deal and i can't cope with the package. Even if it is normal teenage behavior, and some of it truly is, i utterly lack the ability to cope with it. Be it an inherent shortcoming within myself or a product of my experiences with them, though likely it's some of both, i can't love them unconditionally. Years of trying and hating myself for failing, of being berated by professionals entrusted with their emotional well-being or validated by ones entrusted with mine, of relying on medication to numb myself to an intolerable reality... A part of me is dead inside and won't live again. i can't be a mother to them.