Master said to Blog. i'm Blogging.

Yesterday and today have been very trying and everything is hitting me at once. i feel like everything i care about is either gone or as phantom as the trees on SL. i feel for the first time in a long time as if the safety of the crappy known holds more appeal than the uncertainty and seeming transience of the unknown. i am depressed and anxious and scared.

i am trying to exchange texts with e while writing this while watching American Idol and i can't do anything!

What to say? i guess i'll start with v. i think i have so much emotion invested in what happens to her that i vicariously feel her ups and downs. When she is on a positive path, i feel as if i am as well. When she is faltering or, worse, plummeting, i feel as if my world is in turmoil too. i think this is why i so seldom let myself care deeply for anyone. i'd rather feel nothing than get sit on an emotional seesaw waiting for the next change in direction. There's something to be said for sitting on the fulcrum and heckling.

The boys have been expressing upset by the fact that i stay sequestered in my office all the times. i don't have it in me to be there for them and, every time i try, i just wind up screaming at them. i'm living in limbo and doing a crappy job of everything i attempt. i'm not a wife or mother in any real sense of the word except for the fact that i live at the same address as j and the boys. i'm not there for my own mother either. but i'm five months away from being with Master and i don't feel as if i can cope with this pseudo-life in purgatory for that much longer either. i guess my attention to the calendar is also heightened right now since Neal's birthday is January twenty-ninth. Also ahead on the calendar is April 6th, my twelfth wedding anniversary. What the hell do i do with THAT?

i feel as if i am at work without really being there and didn't make it in at all today. By this time of year, every conversation and meeting and piece of paperwork involves planning for next year. It is so hard for me to be a part of making decisions that i know i won't be there to see come to fruition. i feel as if i am abandoning kids and even some adults. Usually the planning i do is tailored to how i will personally follow up on it the following year, not for some unknown person who will take over. i have worked there for a long time, longer than i've ever done anything or been with anyone. It is getting very hard to be there and will only get worse.

Also, i've always kept so entirely to myself but i've really formed friendships now and even let them grow. It's sort of a cruel irony. Master's influence has opened new doors for me in terms of blooming socially and i'm struggling because going to Him is going to, at the very least, distance me from them greatly. Before Him, there'd have been no one at work i especially cared about leaving. Again, i'm thinking my way of just hating everyone had its merits. Life on the fulcrum was at least predictable.

All that brings me to Master. i was rude to Him today. It wasn't extensive but i earned a punishment which He has yet to specify. If i get punished for this, i feel as if i am going to spend the next five months constantly getting punished. It was a big improvement for me. i shouldn't have done it but i stopped myself in my tracks and muscled through to force myself to immediately beg forgiveness and be respectful. It didn't escalate. i wasn't disobedient. i didn't get combative. i was out of line. There is no question. But it just seems like if it is THAT easy to misbehave then i'll NEVER be able to be successful with it. It was a split second impulse today.

i don't know. In this state of mind, i question everything that seems to make sense because what that is changes from one moment to the next. i feel as if i'm Jennifer Connolly in that later scene in Labyrinth where the backdrop became Escher-like and she knew she had to get to Toby but had no idea how to proceed and things just totally ceased to make sense until she had an epiphany. Well where's my epiphany?

i'm just confused and disillusioned and feeling inadequate and dreading punishment and wanting to give up on everything. i have no faith in myself at the moment and feel so distant from everyone else. i feel as if everyone left the planet while i was asleep and i awoke to find that i'm on my own planet. It's got an oxygenated atmosphere and it's no more hostile than anywhere else. i wish i could stay a while but i know it will cost me when i eventually return to an inhabited place. It always does. For now i guess all i can do is go through the motions.

It's been a while since i wished i was dead, that i didn't exist, that i'd never existed. That doesn't make it suck any less. i want out.