Wow! A LOT Happened Yesterday!

Yesterday was a very full day both on SL and irl. i worked and afterwards got a bunch of errands done. The first one was stopping to put gas in the car, a task i despise. The machine would not accept my card and kept showing a "see attendant" message. i just left, very frustrated and nearly out of gas with the warning light lit.

i went to Staples to mail Master's gift and texted j as soon as i arrived there, asking him if there was money in the card-linked account and telling him of my dire need to put gas in the tank as well as my intent to shop and run errands. He responded that there was no problem so i figured there was just a malfunction in the machine i had used at the gas station. i used the card to pay for the package shipping at Staples just to be certain and it worked fine.

i should have known better than to feel secure because this happens ALL the time. When i was paying the cashier at the next store, my card was declined. i texted j and told him. He had apparently never checked the account when answering me earlier and thus had to transfer money into the card-linked account while i dealt with the cashier and felt bad for the customers behind me who, fortunately, were able to be routed to other lines. i find this situation EXCRUCIATING yet constantly wind up in it.

While i was waiting for the money transfer, i was feeling VERY anxious and impatient. i began to tap my fingers on the countertop and watch the minutes pass on my cell phone clock. In the past, i would repeatedly call j and scream at him for causing this problem and to fix it faster, my calls undoubtedly making it take longer for him to correct things. i REALLY wanted to do so again even though j has asked me not to.

On the verge of giving in to the desire to call him, i suddenly remembered that i am kajira. i reminded myself of the need for patience and how much more patience will soon be required of me. i reminded myself that j is a Free and i am slave which means it is not my right to scream at him. i reminded myself that i should be grateful i am even permitted to touch money, as kajirae often are not, and that the privilege could be revoked like any other. i considered going to my "room" in my mind that Master had me build but that proved unnecessary. i calmed down, texted j politely, and awaited his response. When i got home, the desire to pick a fight with j was back but i stifled it and handled myself in a manner of which Master would approve.

i was, consequently, feeling especially kajira-like and serene when i signed online and began talking with Master. He told me that tasty and willow had been uncollared and i basically just said "yes, my Master". He and i signed on sl and the conversation continued on general topics until Master asked what is in the package i mailed Him. i responded ambiguously, very much wanting it to remain a secret until He opens it.

Then Master asked what i would do if He ordered me to tell Him what it was. Now, i don't consider myself to be stupid and yet i actually typed out in my buffer something about refusing Him. It was respectfully worded and acknowledged that punishment would be forthcoming, but i actually was ready to tell Master that i would disobey Him. Thank God i regained my sanity in time to correct myself and tell Him the only thing a kajira may ever tell her Master, that being her intent to obey Him absolutely. i am SO glad i wasn't on voice at the time but there's no buffer irl so i'd better get this through my head without the need for one!

During the course of our conversation, Master had rezzed whipping posts. The sight of them made me queasy, as it always does, and left a knot in my stomach. They were outside the school and kennels so they might just have been there as part of the facilty. i knew i was owed a punishment still but it seemed an odd time for it. i should have known better than to underestimate Master's ability at psychological dominance.

They were there, at least in part, for me. It is never any different. i started trembling and crying the second he said they were for my punishment. i did as He directed, of course, stripping and getting on the posts. i even reminded Him of the need to cuffs and shackles. i have never tried to shirk an SL punishment and hope i have the same courage to do so irl.

One problem when Master is to whip me is that i get so upset that it freaks out Archie who then starts whimpering and barking. He and Norman will need to not be there for rl punishments from Master. Archie's upset always adds to mine as it did last night. It is unconscionable to me that my misdeeds bring suffering upon him.

Master brandished that evil whip, the sight and sound of which terrify me. He questioned me about what i had done wrong and my future behavior as i hung on the posts and awaited the lash. He sheathed the whip at one point, but drew it again a moment later. i had thoroughly earned this punishment and i knew it. i didn't realize at the time that waiting days for it and being tested with the question of what i would do if ordered to reveal the package contents were parts of it. So were all the details of Master's setting the scene, it turns out.

Master allowed me down from the posts without His whip ever having touched me, a reprieve He has never granted me before and likely won't again. i was still very upset as was Archie but far less so than if He had gone on to whip me or had regarded me with an attitude of hostility. i wound up asking to sign off and being granted an hour by Master which i used to take a scalding coconut-scented bubble bath.

i REALLY wanted to pout and kennel but i suppressed it. i had to so i did. i went on with the night in relative calm and basically at ease. The ability to fight that desire and succeed is new and wonderful and a product of Master's tutelage. Girl offers thanks, my Master!