Yesterday i was despondent and hating myself and really feeling horrible. i blogged about how low i felt so i would remember it when i was tempted in the future to give in to my demons. Today i realize what it is i seek to recapture when i'm tempted to lash out at the very ones who show me the most love and kindness, especially Master. There is a high, a rush, a feeling of elation which eventually follows finding my way out of that dismal abyss. To seek it at the expense of others is utterly selfish and entirely unacceptable. But i wonder if there is another way to find it, a means which doesn't involve this hurtful route.
Also on my mind is Pete. i think i understand better now why he is so skeptical of my being Master's. The biggest glimpse he has of me is through this blog and i generally only blog when i'm miserable, overcome by stress and/or depression. Before i had this blog, Pete knew only what i shared with him and it was conveyed in a conversational exchange where he could ask questions and clarify things. i shared a lot with Pete. He knows me well. But he wasn't privy to a fraction of the inner workings of my mind as Master is. i'm guessing he believes he was though.
i feel no need to prove anything to Pete. He'll think as he wishes and it will either be compatible with remaining my friend or it won't. The thing is, i know he means well when he questions my choices. He sees only the bleakest moments and, to him, they paint a picture of someone unhappy. He hears about all the tears i shed but doesn't realize how much less i cry than i used to, how much less often and less intensely i hate myself, how i haven't cut once since being in Master's collar, how those who know me comment on how much happier and calmer and less hostile i am overall. Pete's responses are reasonable based on the limited picture he has of my current life. i have to be cognizant of that in my dealings with him.
A sort of slap in the face today came when i got called into the Assistant Principal's office. In the past days i knew i'd been uncharacteristically aggressive but i clearly hadn't realized how totally out of control it had gotten. One thing she asked about was my overdue paperwork. Thanks to Master, i completed as much as i could at home yesterday and the rest at work today. It was NICE to be able to say it was done.
She also asked me about my conduct at a meeting this past Friday at which i had been very disrespectful to her. i had seen it as joking but i guess i did have some sense it had gone too far. i guess i had put it out of my mind. She hadn't. In the past i would have argued with her. i would have gotten defensive and tried to assert that my conduct had been acceptable and it was within her misperceptions where the problem was. Thanks to Master, i knew better. And it wasn't even a consciously thought out thing. It was automatic. i referred to my behavior as obnoxious, said i had gone too far, and immediately apologized. Being to say that i am wrong and i am sorry used to be near impossibilities. Today they were second nature, a new skill which surely served me well.
i'm kind of paranoid at the moment because i don't know how or when i am going to find myself punished for yesterday. Waiting is part of the punishment, i know, and it also keeps me on alert to be at my best especially with Master. i don't like this feeling, obviously, but it also reminds me of how i need to behave and why. The list is mounting. The initiatory whipping is 13+1, more if yesterday added to it. i already have an unspecified punishment due from arguing with and disobeying Master while i was moving. Now this one. i don't know whether this will wind up being a rl punishment or not but, regardless, that's a pretty intimidating list. i do NOT want to add to it! i also have promised punishments already in place if i cut or call myself a freak. i haven't made those errors at least.
To end on a positive note, season 8 of American Idol started tonight. Woohoo! Master let me watch it offline which was awesome. i had worried He might not because of yesterday or might not let me watch it at all as my punishment if He knew how important it is to me. As much as i dread the whip and rl punishments, i'd rather almost anything to missing Idol. i'm THAT obsessed! Since it is on two or three nights a week until the May finale, i had better be really good. An Idol ban would be SUCK. i know it's ridiculous how strongly i need to see the show and carry out my related rituals but i REALLY do. Can i behave well enough for five months to never have to miss any? It's not a choice. i HAVE to.
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