Blogging

i don't know what else to do with myself so i just keep blogging. i always forget about the particular state i am in now although it always follows my screwing up big with Master. i reach a point of being totally uneasy and insecure. i worry that things can't or won't get back to where they were before in terms of His wanting me, loving me. i worry that i'm too damaged not to just do this again if they do... and then i start to think dark thoughts.

i wish Master would sign on. i know He's at work but i wish He was here. i don't care how. i'd rather have Him here screaming at me, whipping me even, than being away and leaving my imagination to run wild. i don't care how i'm with with Him. i just need to be with Him. i guess i want to feel like things are moving in the right direction instead of me just stagnating in this place where i feel as if i've alienated Master and everyone else and don't deserve them back.

The reason i blogged this particular entry is so that i can read back and remember it the next time i want to speak first and think later. Bad idea nou! Don't do it! The fallout sucks!