Unadulterated Terror and Some Dog Stuff

Underlying fear is a contributor to just about everything with me and i think it's only fair to acknowledge it in relation to Master's moneymaking plans. Some of my fear is about whether they actually will lead to income but another part of it relates to the fact that it will necessitate His traveling and my remaining home without Him. i am absolutely petrified of that. It was always kind of scary when Jason and the boys traveled and i was home alone in New York but i LOVED the chance to liberated from my room and to not be afraid of being hurt by the inhabitants of the house. Having the dogs helped me to feel safe.

But the bottom line was that i had local friends and family and active health insurance and access to money and was in an area with which i was familiar. The thought of being abandoned in Virginia knowing no one and lacking insurance and without money and largely unfamiliar with the area has me absolutely terrified. i don't want to be away from Master. i don't need the respite from Him that i did from the boys. i'm not isolated within the house and looking forward to a chance to leave a lonely room.

And... what if He doesn't come back? Then what? What if, just as He'd find a traditional job stifling, He realizes that He finds this house and this fucked up kajira and the entire state of Virginia stifling too? What if a new adventure is infinitely more exciting to Him than the boring old bull shit, which it inevitably will be? What about me?

Moving right along since thinking about that just makes me cry and want to cut, i'm worried about the dogs too. my shrink has said that i project my own feelings of helplessness onto them, and i'm sure that's the case here too, but that doesn't make them any less troublesome in my head. They are still real feelings even if they are rooted in myself. The dogs are getting restless and frustrated too. They have no yard to run in and no new toys or chew bones. i have been giving them people food treats and worry that their sodium intake is through the roof too and that they are being rendered unhealthy by it. i worry that Archie wants to go out all the time and maybe he urinates too much because he's diabetic, like me, and his kidneys are being harmed like mine are and he'll need dialysis like i will or he will die like i will. The dogs are way behind on vet care because i never had money for it in New York either. i worry that they will get heartworm from mosquitos or catch some disease from contact another dog or dog waste because they are behind on their shots and some things are spread that way. i worry that they're not happy and that it was unfair and selfish of me to bring them here and subject them to this.

More tears. No tissues. i am SO fucking frustrated. i want to cut. i want to run, just for the moment, outside and away. i want to smoke a joint and shut my brain. i want to be in Jason's arms and believe his reassurances. i want to feel safe. i want to feel hopeful. i want to feel wanted, not just to be told it but to believe it.