Mother's Day

Okay, so it's Mother's Day. i anticipated it being horrible and it hasn't been as bad as all that, not yet anyhow. i miss my kids and wish i was with them. i'm not sure where but i'd love to hug them and talk with them in person. i wish they could visit here one at a time, just for a day or two. i miss my mother too but, more than missing her, i find her being unhappy with me incredibly upsetting still and that is heightened today. she's the one person in this world who's perceptions of me matter to me always. she can be totally wrong and i can know that logically but the feeling of her displeasure still sucks regardless. i can project an attitude of not giving a crap to her and still do, just as i learned to do when i was a kid, but i still care... a lot. Too much?

i haven't spoken to her since the last call when she told me how i'd turned my back on her and everyone. i've tried calling her three times so far today and it's screwing with my head. Is she refusing to take my calls? Is she safe and well? She is a TOTAL hermit and the possibility of her leaving her home for anything short of a crisis is pretty much unfathomable. So what gives? And how do i proceed? Do i keep calling? She won't call me back so either i reach her directly or not at all. i know that much about her. my brother hasn't called about any emergency but who knows? i never take his calls anyhow. He could e-mail me though and hasn't done that which is a good sign.

Thinking back to other Mother's Days or celebratory days with my own kids, they are always better in anticipation than in practice. They usually consist of me being stressed out of my mind about not being able to handle what everyone wants from me. They have an image of what i SHOULD want and how the day SHOULD go and that usually means going to a crowded restaurant that either i like and the kids don't which leaves them miserable or that i hate and the kids like which leaves me resentful that i'm dealing with people and crappy food under the auspices of celebrating "my" day. Often it gets to the point of my not even making it to the restaurant because my stress and/or the boys' surliness starts freaking me out and i worry they will get violent and start speculating about where that will lead this time. So Jason and the boys go out and leave me home alone which, by that point, is preferable anyhow.

What i miss and want is not what has ever been a reality. i know that. It would just be nice if i could spend real time with them that was calm and safe. It may be easier when it is not an alleged holiday and some of the pressure is off for things to go as they are "supposed" to. Shane's birthday is next month and Ethan's in July. Maybe they could each fly up here for a couple of days in their birthday month. But the idea of that terrifies me despite its appeal. So many "what if"s. i need to play around with the idea and see if it's okay with Master and feasible and even something the boys want though i suspect they will.

In any case, i think at this point that i'll survive Mother's Day after all though that could change at any moment.