I'm getting angry and frustrated again and don't want to be in trouble with Master or to be additional trouble TO Master. Hopefully blogging will help.
I'll work backwards from the title. Money. i am majorly stressed about money and thinking about the financial situation here in a lot of different ways. Part of the problem is that i've never been one to take a leap of faith and count chickens which aren't yet hatched. Hell, i don't even count chickens in a Perdue package in the grocery bag in the car on the way home from the supermarket. Who knows? There could be a car accident. They could spoil before i get home. They could be stolen by chicken thieves. Hmmm, i may be just a bit tangential here. In any case, relying on something that has not yet come to fruition is neither in my experience nor in my nature.
So... Part of me is constantly resentful that Master isn't currently and actively doing more to bring in income, especially when i am constantly sending out resumes and interviewing and babysitting and scoring us stuff from Craig's list to help us get by. i feel as if He is just waiting and that it is unfair and i really don't give a fuck at times that i am not entitled to any sort of fairness. There are things i want and things i need and i'm spoiled. i'm not used to doing without things at as great a level as i am right now, especially medically. i worry that Master's plans will never take off, either because He doesn't act on them or because they just don't work out. i worry that finances will all be on me, as it feels like they are now, and that i'll never be able to do an adequate job of it. i worry that i'll never be able to send money to help support my kids. i worry that the health problems i already have and those i am at high risk for will cause all sorts of challenges with which i won't be able to cope. i worry!
On the other hand, since i've been here Master has brought in thousands while i haven't brought in even $200. So who should be looking at whom as not contributing enough? i am NOT entitled to fairness and i can't expect situational entitlement. Regardless of what actually does happen, since no one has a working crystal ball, Master has every intention of moving forward with His plans at developing an income next month. i believe in His intentions. i know He will be happy if they work out and unhappy if they don't or can't. i know He'd be unhappy in a traditional job and i don't want Him to be unhappy or trying to fill some role that's not Him, ESPECIALLY due to me. But then i stress over using what little money there will be taht we KNOW we have to start up His plans and not being able to use it for the things we need or to send to my kids. Unhatched chickens. Stress.
Moving backwards through the title. Drugs. Without money, i'm off a LOT of my medications or on drastically decreased dosages of them, including the total cessation of all psychiatric ones a little while back. Some of it is causing problems, not the least of which is that i don't have the means to confirm or deny these problems so i stress over them. I know my diabetes is way out of whack. my toes are numb and tingling, my fingers intermittently do the same to the point that i can't do what i want to do like when i was working on puzzles or sewing that stupid thing for the Carroll's, i am thirsty a lot and dizzy sometimes and feeling crappy in a physical way. And that is from just ONE of my NUMEROUS medical conditions. It's even more frustrating because, in that instance, i have some of the meds and supplies i need but no way to test my blood sugar in order to safely adjust them.
i know that diet plays a big role in how i'm feeling too. EVERYTHING we have to eat is carbohydrate and sodium laden and i feel even more huge than usual, bloated and gross and worrying that my blood pressure is through the roof. i have always seen a close relationship between how i feel physically and emotionally with what i eat. It's not just a matter of wanting the foods i like better but of needing fresh produce and proteins to feel functionally healthy. i understand they are not possible right now but my body is craving them.
There's also an emotional craving. i NEVER feel full even though i am definitely taking in far more calories than i had been when we had healthier options here. i want to eat because i'm stressed and because i'm not eating items which are satisfying taste and texture-wise. i'm spoiled on this front. i get that. we HAVE food. It's not as if there isn't always something to eat. i can't isolate how much of it is a legitimate physical response to what i'm eating and how much of it is my being accustomed to sedating myself with food and to being selective with it. It's irrelevant since neither of those are options just now.
The last item in the title. Sex. i want to have sex. i've been pining for Jason the past few days, missing him and wanting him. i've been wanting something from rau but i'm not even sure what. Maybe just a bit of respect and common courtesy before a final goodbye. i don't have a clue what i want from Master. If He doesn't touch me, i feel totally repulsive and disgusting. But if He does, in play or in emotional support, i resist Him and push Him away. It's as if we've gotten into this pattern and i don't know how to break free of it but it doesn't allow for ANY happy outcome. i don't want Him near me out of pity and now i ALWAYS think it is pity. Either He doesn't touch me and i feel rejected or He does and i feel as if it is a sympathetic gesture which feels obligatory to Him. i'd rather feel rejected than pitied.
And what is my role anyhow? He told pink that she didn't have to ask to hug Him because shows of affection towards one's Master are always welcome. i don't know how much that "always" was actually true. i never approach Him, even just with a casual hug, and that's not like me. i guess it goes back to preferring rejection to pity but not so entirely that i wouldn't as soon just avoid both and remain in my own little mode of isolation and then whine here about being confused as to why i'm lonely and pining for something more than my own hand.
In any case, i need SOMETHING to be different sexually but i don't know what or from where/whom this change needs to come. It IS a need though, not merely a want. Even if it is largely of my own creation, it is getting to me and on my mind a LOT and a huge source of upset. Craigslist ad: Replacement rau wanted. Must stick around.
i'm sure there are a million more things on my mind but i'm feeling blogged out at the moment.
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