Jittery

i feel REALLY jittery, in one of those states where i wouldn't dare cut because i don't think i'd stop, where i'd feel no pain and get a rush from watching the blood drip down my body. i'm not suicidal right now. i just don't trust myself to stop cutting once i start because i won't want to stop.

This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.

i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.

But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.

Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.

But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.

This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:

"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."

Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:

"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."

A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.

The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:

He is Master. i am slave.

He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.

He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.