New Day, New Outlook

Yesterday was a VERY rough day. i definitely did more crying than laughing. But a lot of good came of it. i got out of my own head and into the real world more and it's already spilling over into today in positive ways. i spoke with v in a full conversation rather than just a three word exchange of information. i don't know why i don't speak with her more. i love her and am always glad after i do. i also made myself speak to Master about a lot of things that were on my mind rather than blogging about them. It's a challenge that pays off because i DO feel better when we interactively communicate. i was sure He was the one not accessible for talking but it turns out He's right there and ready when i actually stop typing and speak. It's kind of pathetic that that's a revelation to me.

This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.

The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.

i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...

forgetting my place AGAIN

and having an attitude AGAIN

and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level

i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.

But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.

A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.

i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.

i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?

If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.