Wow! i am so entirely overwhelmed that i don't even know where to begin. Everything is changing from willow's name to midnight's stable affiliation to, hopefully, my job situation. i hate change and am in a state where i hate it even more than usual which is considerable.
After blogging earlier, i took the dogs out on a long walk in an effort to avoid cutting and get some exercise and give them an outlet for their excess energy as well as some mental stimulation. Nothing says canine mental stimulation like smelling the poop of the neighborhood dogs! i left a note for Master and headed down the road while it was still light outside. It got dark and the dogs got tired and it wound up being sort of scary because the road was unlit and the cars were close. i kept the dogs on the inside away from the cars so it would be my body taking the hit before theirs. That was just habit, and just as i'd do if i was walking with a child or two. But it was pitch black after a while all i could see were headlights coming at me and it looked and felt as if they would hit me and i didn't think the cars could see me and i sort of thought the road curved so it would be okay but it was still scary and i got a rush from it and i LIKED that. Anyhow, all three of us made it home okay.
So... i got home feeling good, much stronger than when i'd left. i was proud of myself for not having cut and for leaving a note for Master before leaving and not taking the car or any blades and just for having gotten some exercise. Master was upset when i arrived home. i went and sat in the spot where i sleep but i was confused. At first i assumed He was mad at me and i felt as i do when i am waiting to find out if He'll punish me for something and, if so, how. my inclination when i feel that way is to provoke Him into responding to me because i'd rather know what i'm dealing with than wait to find out, even if that makes it worse.
BUT... i was actually rational. i realized that i didn't know if i was actually the source of His upset yet. i recalled that He'd been feeling ill before i had left and that He'd been unhappy with v at the time too. i actually just went off and waited without freaking out. Rationality! From me! Imagine that!
It turned out there were a number of things going on and my own hold on Master's mood was not nearly as big a factor as i was inclined to assume at first. i actually got through the uncomfortable feelings without making anything worse. Go me!
But there is more on my mind and it finally hit me tonight what is getting to me the most, as the underlying basis for everything. On Thursday, May 7th, i turned the EXACT age my brother was when he died, to the very day. He never made it to forty. i feel as if i'm on borrowed time, as if i shouldn't either. i think that is a big part of why i don't want to turn forty. And i DON'T. i don't want more than he had. i don't deserve more than he had. i'm ten days over right now. i've lived for ten days that he didn't get. Why? Who the hell am i?
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