Random

Just some more random kajira thoughts here...

One thing i'm finding most amazing is... my voice. It's almost as if somebody else's voice is coming out of my mouth. i actually SOUND submissive and foreign to my own ears. It was very odd to me at first but a little less so now. And it's not as if i'm TRYING to sound this way. On went the collar; out came the voice. Voila! Despite the meeker voice, i am still reminding myself a lot that i can't curse, a very pervasive former bad habit.

Let's see. What else? i am INSANELY over-thinking what might bug Master and afraid to make the tiniest decisions on my own. i know that's probably way more annoying than the outcome of my having made the decisions. i should clarify here. There was a bottle of shampoo. It was empty. i used that shampoo until it was BEYOND empty. Then i added water and used the last vestiges of what had been in the bottle. i STILL had to force myself to throw out the bottle without making sure it was okay with Him. Um? WHAT??? i'm scared to throw anything out, scared of making mistakes of all sorts, and scared Master will get irritated or punish me. The thing is, He isn't micro-managing at all and doesn't seem to care about nit-picky things.

The dogs have settled in incredibly well and have been able to spend all day downstairs with us which is awesome. i'm really impressed with how well they've acclimated to the move. Archie actually took a nap on Master's bed this afternoon while i slept chained on the floor. Gotta love slavehood!

One irony that strikes me is that it has taken becoming a slave and living a life that most people think is bizarre in order for me to function in the way that those same people think is normal. i could never be a housewife, for lack of a better analogy, without being a slave. i have no self-discipline and no desire to serve or please anyone who isn't Master. Now, as slave, i'm keeping the place clean and serving Master and actually doing the things i should have been doing for years but couldn't. And i'm doing so without it feeling forced or resentful.

Regarding yesterday's crying spell, i realized that the groundwork had been laid earlier in the day. Master said He was proud of how i am doing. Then He bopped me on the nose with one fingertip and said to keep it up. It was really nice to hear He was proud and the nose bop was adorable (like Him, but i'm sworn to secrecy on that). Now anyone normal would have enjoyed the praise and gone on with their day. i have never claimed normalcy. i spent that day convincing myself that "keep it up" translated to "i don't think you can do this for very long and, frankly, i'm shocked you've been able to manage it at all". He'd said He was amazed at how i was doing so that was where my mind went with it. That just might be a thought process i need to work on!

Hmmm. What else? i guess the physical aspects are still highly awkward for me. i don't know if or when it's okay to touch Him so i don't. Once in a while i ask. Today, i just HAD to kiss His elbow. It was just sitting there all dimply and cute. Last night, after the flip-out, i needed to kiss Him goodnight. i asked about those. But sometimes i just want to rub His shoulders or smooth His hair or things like that, not necessarily sexual things either. Well... those too. i don't know what He finds desirable versus what He finds intrusive. i wish i did.

i'm also finding that i'm actually appreciative of the little things rather than never satisfied with an overabundance of things. At the store last night, He let me get a jigsaw puzzle which i really wanted. i was so happy with that! In my old life, i loved jigsaw puzzles but i would have bought six of them, done none of them, and wound up with them sitting around for years untouched until the boxes got damaged and the puzzles trashed with pieces missing. Now everything means something. It has value. i love that!

my stomach is trying to figure out what is going on here. Tuesday all i ate was honey roasted cashews on the way here and then McDonald's, my last Free dinner. Wednesday i ate about ten Nilla Wafers and nothing else. The serving size was eight and there were ten left in the box adjusting for breakage. Thursday i ate absolutely nothing at all because, before work, Master gave me the impression that He thought i'd had too many Nilla Wafers the day before. His saying He loves me a million times and wants me to be healthy following His realizing i'm diabetic? In one ear and out the other. His saying to take a small amount? Immediately translated to: I HATE YOU. NEVER EAT AGAIN. Friday i'd planned to continue on my hunger strike and hadn't mentioned it to Master anyhow but He came home from work with a salad for me which was awesome. Real actual fresh lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, and He even managed to choose a dressing i like. Again, appreciation versus overindulged dissatisfaction. Saturday we went out to dinner and i ate an actual meal. my stomach, to be blunt, said "what the fudge". (Now we all know that is not QUITE what it said but i'm not allowed to curse here without first explaining to Master the justification for my need to curse and i don't fudging feel like doing so at the moment.) It was totally upset all night. Tonight we had KFC and my stomach wasn't thrilled but more or less acquiesced with little more than minor upset and cramps. Grocery shopping will be a GOOD thing!

i'm not sure what else to say. For five days in, i couldn't possibly ask for anything more. Things are progressing and, though not always Nirvana, they are usually remarkably close. my 'tudes and my moods have made it clear that they are alive and well but nothing horrendous so far. i do NOT want to be punished. It is fun in the fantasies over which i have control in my mind but, in reality, it will NOT be fun. Mostly i'm behaving because i want to. i want to please Master. i will be majorly upset with myself if i disappoint or displease Him. But, when the 'tude or mood kick in, i do remind myself of all the many ways He can easily make things HIGHLY unpleasant for me. i had to remind myself last night in order to force myself out of my spot and back into a decent mood.

So, in summary, um... i've had enough of this blog so reread that if you need a synopsis and formulate your own.