v, pink, and Doomsday

Lately v has gotten very expressive in her blog and i've been impressed with her ability to express herself cogently and to put into words some of the things i feel as well regarding Master. i told Him that i found all she said to be legitimate and that i shared her sentiments. i was pleased with myself for expressing that directly rather than waiting to blog about it. i've been doing better with that a lot lately.

Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.

i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.

Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...

In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.

There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!

Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.

i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.