i've been increasingly aware lately of how people, specifically those with whom i don't speak candidly irl but who read this blog, think i am miserable. It is not my inclination to care what people think but it is my desire to maintain candor at all times. If this blog conveys a falsehood then i want to correct it. i do not like misperception of any kind.
i have countless incomplete stored blog entries of how happy i am, none ever posted. Why not? Because i don't have motivation to write when i am content. Since i was as young as eight i vividly recall using writing to cleanse myself of the overwhelming negativity of feelings with which i could not cope. It was a safe means of expression, effective and without fear of recrimination unless i chose to share it. i have no desire to write when things are good because i don't need to expunge those feelings from myself. Quite the contrary. Often i hold good news to myself to savor it before i even let others in on it if they are to know at all.
So for those who suspect this blog is an overview of my pervasive mindset, you stand corrected. my general mood and attitude and LIFE are filled with more serenity than ever before. i am not hiding from my true self and, other than my Master, i am answerable to no one. He gets a bad rap in this blog because i never write to say how wonderful He is. i write to condemn Him. Some of those assertions linger in my mind even after the blog entry is complete but most fade with the expression and are replaced with reasoned thinking. Yet i never print a retraction. i never follow up to say that it was my mood swing which colored my point of view and that my perceptions do not hold up when the chemicals in my brain realign themselves. That i can formulate a cogent assertion does not make it reality based.
Here is the current text under Master's picture in my SL profile. Perhaps its sharing will correct some of the negativity i inevitably express toward Him here by presenting the other, and more frequently felt, side of things.
"With the privilege of His collar has come the massive undertaking of learning to be my true self, the beast i've spent my life denying. No other man could or ever will own me. i belonged to Him long before i met Him either on SL or IRL. He is my reason when there is no other, my reality check when i'm off the deep end, my focal point when i'm scattered, my friend when He can be, and my warden when He must be. He is the only one who can get me out of my own way. Letting Him hold the whip has been hard. Letting Him hold my hand on a softer path is infinitely harder, yet always His goal. For fleeting moments, He actually has me considering that the world might... MIGHT... be the pleasant place He takes it to be. i challenge Him and i frustrate Him but ultimately i obey Him, grateful for His willingness to embrace the formidable task of dealing with me. Who i was, who i am, who i will be... they are all His. You can see His collar on my neck but it is anchored to my heart and soul. i love Him."
This is a never published blog entry from 6/3, unpublished because i never completed it and incomplete because i had no need to vent:
"Okay, i found myself stressed to the brink the other day over what Master MIGHT do when i got home. i got myself so worked up over it that i was reciting a whole list in my head of things that made me feel justified in resenting Him and i was actually envisioning myself removing my collar and throwing it down in front of Him. Um... over what He MIGHT do?
Miraculously, it occurred to me that i was imagining myself going apeshit over something that didn't have to happen. i texted Him a message, respectfully stating what i didn't think i could handle. And that was it. Crisis averted. Instead of going through the day with increasing anxiety anticipating a problem which may not ever have happened and about which Master knew nothing, i just told Him. Proactive communication. Imagine that!
Realizing i could impact the situation, rather than just feeling victimized and waiting to explode, was pretty amazing to me!
i've also been increasingly aware of the no-win situations i create."
That was something that bothered me enough initially to get it down in black and white but then there was no need to go on. Had everything just been fine to begin with, as it is more often than not, it never even would have made it to the unpublished archives but remained with me as unblogged happiness. my contentment is not as elusive as you may think, blog readers. Thank you for your concern but it is neither needed nor, since it is based upon misperception, wanted.
Life is far from easy these days but it is the adventure i have long sought and i feel more freedom in this collar than i ever could have as a "free" drone trying to live out the life everyone thought i should in New York. i can face myself in the mirror unashamedly. i smile and i laugh frequently, usually at Master's deliberate provocation. i have a sense of hope which i had lacked for years.
AND... i finally managed an upbeat blog entry!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
v, pink, and Doomsday
Lately v has gotten very expressive in her blog and i've been impressed with her ability to express herself cogently and to put into words some of the things i feel as well regarding Master. i told Him that i found all she said to be legitimate and that i shared her sentiments. i was pleased with myself for expressing that directly rather than waiting to blog about it. i've been doing better with that a lot lately.
Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.
i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.
Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...
In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.
There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!
Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.
i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.
Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.
i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.
Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...
In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.
There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!
Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.
i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.
Badly Timed Disaster
Okay. i begin a new job in about an hour and a half. Stress!!! The last time i had to begin a new full time job was fourteen years ago. 7/6/95 to be exact. It was the day i met my husband.
i am WAY stressed about the dogs while i am gone. i am used to being the only one who cares for them and, as much as i may find it to be an annoyance, i like it that way. i typed Master instructions that spilled over onto a fourth page and keep tweaking them. Stress!!!
i should have obeyed Master at one point and i didn't so He was going to get a whip. It was just a threat and would have been okay but i grabbed at His ankles and started playing and He fell and hurt His back. i hurt Him! And we don't have much in the way of painkillers! And He is completely out of cigarettes! Stress!!!
Then pink signed on again and He told me to IM her. she sent me a nasty NC. Among other things, it said that i'm a cutter and she's not because she's only cut twice in the past year. Well then she has cut twice as much as i have! i've gone as long as nearly three years between cutting and it shouldn't matter but it does. she KNOWS this is an area where she can hurt me. i've told her as much and blogged about it. So she did. Stress!!!
i had sent pink an NC which Master had read in advance and okayed for me to send. It was blunt but not mean or abusive. It even pointed out strengths of hers and her potential. i was being KM and had Master's permission. she accepted no responsibility for her conduct, just had a tantrum and ran away and Master is upset. Stress!!!
Friday is a big day for a couple of reasons and Master is having a grand opening of the new stables which sucks. He doesn't want to do it another day because He is trying to make sure everyone gets His time and i understand that. It's not as if i want to deal with the big day reasons but i don't want to be at a crowded sim on what is probably going to be my only weekday off for a long time. He said i don't have to be there but i will probably feel like crap if i don't help out. It's not as if i have anything better to do. i'm lonely. And right now being lonely especially hurts. Friday it will hurt more. Stress!!!
i have been crying nonstop the past few days for any reason or none at all. i am stressed to the point that my stomach is killing me and totally upset and i want to puke. i don't want to start this job. i don't want Master walking the dogs. i don't want Master's back to hurt -ESPECIALLY since it was my fault- and, since it does, i don't want Him to be without pain medication. i don't want Him to need cigarettes but, since He does, i don't want Him to be without any. i don't want pink to exist at the moment. And i don't want Friday to exist on the calendar at all.
There it is. my wish list. i hope it's not too much to ask.
i am WAY stressed about the dogs while i am gone. i am used to being the only one who cares for them and, as much as i may find it to be an annoyance, i like it that way. i typed Master instructions that spilled over onto a fourth page and keep tweaking them. Stress!!!
i should have obeyed Master at one point and i didn't so He was going to get a whip. It was just a threat and would have been okay but i grabbed at His ankles and started playing and He fell and hurt His back. i hurt Him! And we don't have much in the way of painkillers! And He is completely out of cigarettes! Stress!!!
Then pink signed on again and He told me to IM her. she sent me a nasty NC. Among other things, it said that i'm a cutter and she's not because she's only cut twice in the past year. Well then she has cut twice as much as i have! i've gone as long as nearly three years between cutting and it shouldn't matter but it does. she KNOWS this is an area where she can hurt me. i've told her as much and blogged about it. So she did. Stress!!!
i had sent pink an NC which Master had read in advance and okayed for me to send. It was blunt but not mean or abusive. It even pointed out strengths of hers and her potential. i was being KM and had Master's permission. she accepted no responsibility for her conduct, just had a tantrum and ran away and Master is upset. Stress!!!
Friday is a big day for a couple of reasons and Master is having a grand opening of the new stables which sucks. He doesn't want to do it another day because He is trying to make sure everyone gets His time and i understand that. It's not as if i want to deal with the big day reasons but i don't want to be at a crowded sim on what is probably going to be my only weekday off for a long time. He said i don't have to be there but i will probably feel like crap if i don't help out. It's not as if i have anything better to do. i'm lonely. And right now being lonely especially hurts. Friday it will hurt more. Stress!!!
i have been crying nonstop the past few days for any reason or none at all. i am stressed to the point that my stomach is killing me and totally upset and i want to puke. i don't want to start this job. i don't want Master walking the dogs. i don't want Master's back to hurt -ESPECIALLY since it was my fault- and, since it does, i don't want Him to be without pain medication. i don't want Him to need cigarettes but, since He does, i don't want Him to be without any. i don't want pink to exist at the moment. And i don't want Friday to exist on the calendar at all.
There it is. my wish list. i hope it's not too much to ask.
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