Always in Trouble

Sometimes, like last weekend, i set out seeking trouble and never have any difficulty in finding it. Other times, like today, i make conscious effort to avoid it and it finds me anyhow. i have been trying not to argue with Master even harder than usual since i did so last weekend. i didn't argue with Him today. i have been trying not to disobey Master even harder than usual since i did so last weekend. i didn't disobey Him today. But some rules and expectations are more ambiguous.

Master found something i said about a new sister in private IM to Him to be way out of line and got angry. i understand what angered Him and won't repeat the mistake but i couldn't possibly have anticipated His reaction either. my comment was one of those things meant half as a joke and half to express my disdain, in this instance toward the new girl. Master took it as totally serious. He is entitled.

Initially Master added a lash onto my initiatory whipping but then He withdrew that and said i'll be punished in another way. i think i was supposed to thank Him for that but i didn't for a couple of reasons.

1. i don't know what the punishment is so how do i know it's even preferable to the extra lash? At this point, the whipping is going to be intense enough that it's going to suck. Does having it suck one lash worse even matter? i guess i'll think so at the time but the difference between 13+1 and 14+1 just doesn't seem like much at this moment.

2. i hate saying things i don't mean. It is the same thing as lying in my mind. Master made me apologize when i wasn't sorry. i didn't want to also express gratitude i didn't feel. i don't care right now. Whip me or don't. It just doesn't matter to me presently. i'm pissed off and in a mood and i know it. i don't feel remorse or appreciation or much of anything else.


i tried very hard to not beg to kennel and i lasted for a little while but, ultimately, i did and Master was indulgent enough to grant it. While i understand the reasons to make myself remain in uncomfortable situations, i also know that getting myself away from them until i am calmer is a good means of damage control. i didn't vent my anger inappropriately to Master or anyone else because Master let me have space. i knelt and cleaned my room. Maybe the results weren't flawless today, but my intentions were good and i was successful in meeting them. i didn't argue or disobey or kennel at the first sign of conflict or vent my anger onto Master. That is progress, if not perfection.