Bumpy Ride

Today has been an emotional roller coaster... in a car with no safety bar... that derailed off the track... while the ride was closed for repairs. i would give anything to cut myself right now. Anything. i'm toying with doing it despite the punishment. That is then and this is now. i need respite NOW. my eyes are swollen from crying. my whole body feels as if it was beaten from crying so hard and for so long.

i have felt very anxious this past week or so and have been avoiding blogging which should have been my cue that i needed to blog. i feel like absolutely everyone is mad at me at some level and the biggest reason for my stress is that i want to make them all happy and and have them be happy with me but i don't know how to do that. It's as if i am being pulled in too many different directions, some of which i don't even understand fully, and at some point they all become a blur and i stop being able to distinguish one from another.

On SL, i have an avi that is essentially me and one who is composed of the edgier aspects of myself. nou is me. she is kajira, she knows that, loves that, and wants nothing more than that. she has her moments but she's basically a good girl, at least as per her intentions. too is less obedient but also less critical. she does things which SEEM like more fun than nou. Master even said the other day that that too has more fun.

The thing is, she doesn't. she doesn't feel nearly as safe or as comfortable out in the world as nou does on gor. too doesn't understand everyone or their expectations and she never quite knows where the limits are. she feels entirely inadequate to venture in and out of so many different societal genres with any kind of ease. It's not that she's scared of falling victim to others. she can take care of herself. What she fears is victimizing others and not even realizing she's doing it. This has happened several times this weekend and has caused the renewed round of tears. too has hurt Master and rau and Raptor in her social ineptitude. i want to delete her but Master forbade it.

i'll start with Master because everything begins and ends with Him. First of all, i think He's worried that i won't go to Him. Nothing could be further from true. In 193 days, i WILL be there and sooner if i don't survive the hellish wait here. A million different things will be VERY hard when i am finally with Master but the things that are stressing me right now will actually be easier. i don't think i'll feel as unfocused and pulled in so many different directions. The bottom line will be the real Master and the real me and it will be impossible to lose sight of that. It will not be easy, far from it, but it will be simple. i can't wait.

But for now it's not as easily delineated as that. Master is back on SL and He has an alt who has different expectations of too than He does. Plus His alt leads her into all sorts of social situations, the tacit rules of which entirely elude her. she has screwed up so many things this weekend. It seems like she has screwed up everything she has taken part in. Everything changes so quickly. Just when she thinks she gets some kind of handle on one thing, Master takes her in another direction, from physicality to jobs to vampires.

too's head was spinning and she finally reached the breaking point tonight and fell apart completely. In retrospect, i should have seen in coming. All the signs were there. i didn't though. i never do. So now Master is rightfully mad over my disrespect and arguing. i put Raptor in an awkward situation with my nonsense and never meant to do that either. Everything just got away from me before i realized what was happening. i'm not sure what the aftermath of this will be. too will probably be treated more strictly but i'm not really sure that fits in to the circles in which she finds herself. That's in Master's hands now anyhow. she screwed it up for herself. i always do the second i am given anything that feels like freedom or rank.

i'll talk to Raptor when i'm ready or sooner if Master insists. Things will be okay with him, i think. i just hadn't seen him in a long time and was happy to see him and then wound up causing him grief and i feel bad about that. It was the last thing i intended. It was so stupid. It should have been obvious to me at the time but it just wasn't. nou understands her world. too is a total misfit. nou never would have done that to him. i really wish i could delete too.

The one i've been avoiding writing about and the one over whom i shed the most tears today is rau. my thoughts about her are the underlying cause of every one of my tears. i have no idea how things stand with her and i am absolutely terrified. i had no communication with her today at all. i don't even know if she's safe. The first thing i wish is just that i knew she's okay. Wanting and needing her are selfish. i understand that. i just want her to be all right aside from everything else. Great! Here come the tears again. i think the well has all but run dry. i can barely even produce any more tears.

If rau is okay, and i pray that she is, i don't know that i can be what she wants of me. i'd never intended to take on any sort of role with her and now i find myself aching with love for her in addition to being madly IN love with her. But she and i are both sub and i don't know that i can be what she wants. i don't know that i have it in me or whether she will even want me if i can't. i don't want to imagine my life without her there and loving me. i just don't know if i can give her what she needs without losing myself. i've been trying and i think the effort and the ultimate failure are what cost me today's downfall. i did see this part coming but i tried to deny it and fight it. i guess i was hoping that wanting enough to please her could over ride all else. It couldn't.

So... Master is unhappy with me, may punish me, will almost certainly start being a hard ass with too even though it's not what He was inclined to do, and has doubts about my even showing up. rau may or may not even be alive for all i know since she didn't answer any of my communications or appear as visible under any source today. Assuming her safety, she may or may not want to deal with me any longer anyhow being i cannot be who she wants. Raptor, the source of the easiest difficulty of the bunch, needs an apology which he will then scold me for giving but i feel so bad about causing him conflict. All of that is without mentioning how horrendous everything is at home in real life.

Today sucked and i'm staying home from work tomorrow.