From Point A to Point B

i don't know how much i can write of my feelings in the next 29 minutes but at least while i'm writing i'm not digging my hole any deeper as far as making Master frustrated and otherwise displeased with me. The issue that's happening now is the same issue that is happening with v currently and a recurring issue for me. i guess it's time to deal with this one before i get my ass kicked by Master and, worse, feel like total crap for having disappointed Him... a state i'm well on my way toward reaching already.

When things are a certain way with people, i don't know how to move from where they are to where they should be, even if it's where i want them to be. It's like i was absent the day they taught that social skill or my DNA didn't come equipped with the codes to know that intuitively. It has been the case my whole life. If things are tense, how do you get them back to being okay. It sounds stupid, as if it should be obvious. It should be and, to most people, i think it is. But it totally eludes me. i think that's why i have so many people in my past with whom a rift, any rift, has meant the dissolution of all ties. i don't know how to come back from it. i never learned how and it's not the kind of thing anyone teaches you.

i have wanted to obey Master all night and i don't know how. i have wanted to ease the tension between v and me and i don't know how. i don't have a thing in the world against lana and Master wants me to get along with her and i don't know how to do that either. i don't regard people/kajirae in the same way most others do. i don't have this general feeling of caring for all of humanity or for what they think of me either. i know i should feel bad that lana thinks i hate her but i don't. So what if she thinks that? It bothers me only because it upsets Master and i hate that i'm upsetting HIm. But then i just get bogged down in why i'm so screwed up that i can't even feel the things other people do or make myself go through the motions just because i'm devoid of the feelings.

i feel stuck. Literally paralyzed. i can't respond the way i'm supposed to and i know i'd better not mouth off so i try to just shut up and wait it out. i guess i always think that i will get unstuck or the situation will change in a way that either ends the need for me to have this interaction or unfolds in a way that shows me how to do it. Sometimes that even works out. This time it didn't, not at ALL.

i feel as if there are things i need to say that i can't because Master won't allow me to and will punish me if i do but then i feel as if i can't say the nicer things if i haven't explained myself about other things. i don't know. This blog is a bunch of disjointed rambling but how else could it be when i'm checking the time even ten seconds to make sure i don't take more than thirty minutes?

What would i say? i'd tell lana AGAIN that i don't care about her fucking interactions with me. i don't need her apology or want it. i don't care if she's attempting to do right by me. i don't care about what she thinks of me. i hate being the focus like that. It throws me completely. i don't know what to do with it. From a preliminary look, she has the traits that would make a good kajira for Master. If it would just be about THAT and not about me then everything would be fine.

Instead, i don't know what Master wants from me even though it should be blatantly obvious what He wants and the more i try to stay quiet or extricate myself, the more He draws me into everything. Just having this time to decompress helps tremendously and so does writing. i can breathe again. i couldn't before. i felt absolutely smothered, suffocated, and i don't even know why.

i tried to be proactive and leave or blog and it took some convincing but Master finally allowed me this time which, i suspect, has made all the difference in the world. i NEED to get away sometimes. It's not a copout or hiding all the time. Sometimes it's a legitimate need to regroup and sort my thoughts and regain the ability to serve Master as He wishes and deserves. This was one such time.